We Need To Have A Discussion About The Guy Who Sat Next To Me At The Movies Last Night

I saw Sausage Party last night.  I went by myself which is a veteran move by the way.  The movie was hysterical, and the last scene was one of the single most ridiculous scenes in the long history of cinematography.  The guy next to me, however, did not agree evidently.  The guy didn’t laugh or react one time.  That’s such a try-hard tough guy move.  “Oh I’m too much of a man to laugh out loud at the movie theater”.  All other 14 people (it was a packed house) in the theater were howling from start to finish.  If I find something funny, I laugh because that’s how you express emotion you clown.  It gets worse.

This guy was an odd ball from the get go.  Before the lights dimmed I was worried about who I was sitting next to.  It took every ounce of restraint to not stare at him while he did, but in my peripherals I caught him pouring nacho cheese sauce all over his popcorn.  Is that legal?  Even if it is, it could be the most sacreligious act to ever be carried out in a movie theater.  Popcorn doesn’t get better than movie theater popcorn, everybody knows that.  And if you absolutely must tinker with it, that means extra butter and maybe salt.  Nacho cheese shouldn’t even be allowed in the movie theater.  I am sick and tired of movie theaters trying to reinvent the wheel and turn the snack bar into a Ruby Tuesday’s.  What kind of asshole wants to eat a hot dog during a movie?

By no means is this an indictment on nacho cheese; I happen to think nacho cheese is stupendous.  I respect the hustle of mixing and matching foods and combining ingredients.  In fact, I partake in such somewhat regularly.  With that being said, movie theater popcorn and nacho cheese should remain independent of one another.  I won’t even mention that nacho cheese is too think anyway and that it would be impossible to mix around the cheese inside the bag/bucket and cover every piece.  You can try to get me to mention it, but I won’t do it.  I also won’t go into the inevitable problem of messy hands.  A handful of popcorn provides enough mess.  How can you manage to focus on the movie while you’re covered in crumpled up napkins looking for a clean one to rid your hands of buttery nacho cheese?  Again, I won’t go into that.

The guy also had a slushee without a cap.  No exaggeration, I have never seen that before.  The entire purpose of the cap is so you get that extra bit of slushee deliciousness.  The cap goes on before you fill the cup.  The best part of the slushee is filling it up a little too much even though you think you nailed it.  And then it starts overflowing through the top hole and you have to slurp it straight from the cup before you can get a straw in there.  This guy was as big of a movie virgin as I’ve ever seen.  It very well could have been his first time at the movies and his first time having a slushee.  I bet he drank the slushee slowly too so that it could last him the length of the movie.  Ha!  If you don’t finish the slushee before the opening credits then you don’t deserve to enjoy one period.


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Congratulations To Robby Andrews

 

A congratulations is in order to Manalapan’s own Robby Andrews on an absolutely stellar performance in Rio.  It’s been a long time coming for Robby, and he did not disappoint on the world’s biggest stage.  I’ve been hearing about Robby Andrews and the Olympics for 10 years now.  He was re-writing records every single day in high school.  I can’t think of anyone who racked up more accolades in anything at MHS.  He was a legend in every sense of the word, and he lived up to expectations and far exceeded them over the past few weeks.  Every four years, we’d see him come close but fall just short at the qualifiers, each time getting closer and closer.  Until this year.  We would finally see our boy Robby in the Olympics.  What a fucking achievement.  Seeing him rep the red, white, and blue was as fond an Olympic memory as I’ve ever had.  I can only imagine what he and his family were feeling.

Quick anecdote about my relationship with Robby.  We won the Rec Baseball World Series when I was in 4th grade and Robby in 5th.  The two of us manned the middle infield for the league champion Texas Rangers.  Those were my glory days of athleticism.  I had speed, skill, a real well-rounded, natural athlete.  But Robby was the fastest guy on the team by far.  It was imminent that he was destined for bigger and better things.  But we were teammates and we won together.  No big deal.  We’ll always have that title, Robby.  Some would say that’s better than an Olympic medal.

Last night we should have been watching Robby run for a medal.  And he had a damn good chance.  Anyone who says otherwise can kick rocks.  If not for Thursday night’s events, we could have seen our boy up on the podium.  He was DQ’d on a highly questionable technicality.  Robby finished 5th and qualified for the final race, only to have that illustrious opportunity taken away an hour later.  If you ask me, Robby got bumped which forced him to go over the inside line.  Not only that, but he was already in front of the runner who he was trying to surpass, so he didn’t actually gain an advantage in my expert opinion.  I felt personally offended and dejected.  More so than my selfish feelings, I did and still do genuinely feel bad for Robby.  Kid worked so hard for years only to have it taken away by some fugzai ass bi-law.  But it doesn’t really matter much.  For as long as I can remember, we’ve been waiting for Andrews to run in the Olympics, and he did the damn thing.  It was an unbelievable road for Robby, and I speak for everyone when I say I hope this is not the end.  Not that there’s any vengeance to be sought after, but I’d imagine Robby would love a chance at redemption in 2020 in Tokyo.

Congratulations, Robby.

 

#IStandWithRobbyAndrews


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Breaking News: Jaden Smith Is Self Aware And Knows That Nobody Likes Him

HuffPo:  Thanks to his penchant for gender-neutral dressing and his endless stream of philosophical tweets, Jaden Smith has become one of Generation Z’s biggest cultural icons. It seems the kids these days ― like Kylie and Kendall Jenner ― really connect with him. For anyone born before the mid-1990s, however, Smith’s ~ambiguities~ might not make much sense. And he’s totally aware of it.  “I’ve always looked at life differently,” the 18-year-old told Variety in a recent interview. …

“I always knew no one was going to understand me — since before I could talk — and that’s why I was so quiet. I was very calm, very to myself,” he said. “I could tell I felt about life differently than other kids; I could tell by the way they treated me.” Smith embraces his unique outlook on life when it comes to his style ― which garnered him a spot in Louis Vuitton’s spring/summer 2016 womenswear campaign ― as well. To put it bluntly, he doesn’t care what people think.  “I’ve always been super-duper fly and super-duper different,” he said. “People just start caring when they have a reason to start caring.”


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This one hurts.  Well played, Jaden.  I can’t sit here and say this was a bad move on his part because that would be a lie.  Ousting himself and embracing the backlash that he gets was the best play here.  Nobody can make fun of you for something you make fun of yourself for.  Everyone knows that.  My manifesto of past events regarding Jaden Smith is well versed and extraordinarily detailed, sometimes even unnecessarily.  I won’t apologize for what I said.  Better yet, I stand by what I said because at that point I truly believe Jaden was just projecting and wasn’t the least bit self aware.  If I said now what I had said before Jaden admitted to being weird, then that would make me look stupid.  I still believe there’s a chance this spoiled brat couldn’t take the bullying anymore and his PR team tied him to a chair and told ordered him to issue this statement.  But for now, Jaden and I are on good terms.  I never thought this day would come, but if Jaden Smith truly knows how weird he is and has no problem with the heat he gets for it, then he’s okay in my book.

However….

There are two specifics I can not and will not look past.  One is him saying “super duper”.  That phrase alone makes me think this thing is all an act and a publicity stunt.  Nobody actually says super duper unsolicited unless trying to prove a point.  Regardless, he’s not doing himself any favors saying that.

Two – he wore a Camelbak to the Bieber Roast.  That’s an unforgivable action that can’t be reversed or taken back.  That was not okay, and I will continue to humiliate Jaden Smith for that until the day I die.

 

In case you’re not up to speed on my beef with Sir Jaden:

Jaden Smith Seen Wearing A Dress, Admits He Buys Girls Clothes

Jaden Smith Is A Liar And Everyone Has The Right To Know

Jaden Smith Is Now A Spokesman For Louis Vuitton Skirts

Grading Jaden Smith’s New Rap Song

Japanese Pole Vaulter’s Dick Ruins His Quest For An Olympic Medal

 

If there’s anything better than getting an Olympic medal, it’s not getting an Olympic medal because your dick got in the way.  Lots of people return to their homeland with an Olympic medal and stories to last a lifetime.  It’s actually not a lot, very few in fact.  But nobody in the history of the world has ever returned home from the Olympics with the memory of not getting a medal because their gigantic dick got in the way.  Exactly zero people…until now.  Hiroki Ogita will soon arrive back home in his native country of Japan.  He’ll have no Olympic medal.  He will have the pride of knowing that his penis is the reason.  His giant dick knocked the bar down during his pole vault.  It’s probably not even a giant dick.  But it may very well be the biggest dick in Japan.  Regardless, it’s big enough, enough to get him eliminated from medal contention at the Olympics.  This is a HUGE win for the Japanese.  They were never catching the United States in the Medal Count.  Hiroki Ogita was probably not going to win a gold anyway.  But everyone across the globe seeing your dick in such a positive light is so much more valuable.

Congrats on the dope dick, man.

 


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Adele (Thankfully) Turns Down Super Bowl Halftime. Here Are My Top Recommendations:

There’s a ton of hoopla sweeping the media surrounding this story.  Apparently the NFL extended an offer to Adele to perform at next year’s Super Bowl, Adele kindly decline, and now the NFL is saying they never offered her the opportunity in the first place.  Frankly I don’t give a shit if the NFL extended the offer or not.  The only part that matters is that Adele will not be performing at the Super Bowl.  This is great news.  Adele said it herself that she’s not a dancer and essentially doesn’t want to perform.  She also said that the Halftime Show is not about singing.  Uhh yeah no duh, Adele.  It’s about a performance.  It’s about getting asses out of the seats to dance, something that Adele has no history in.  She’s got serious pipes, one hell of a singer, there’s no doubt about it.  But after blindly selecting fucking Coldplay last year, it’s almost impossible to pick someone worse.  Adele would have been far worse.  Granted, Coldplay was better than I anticipated, I thought they did pretty well considering.  But nobody gets hyped for Coldplay.  And the word “hype” has never and will never be associated with Adele.  I have no opinion on Adele trying to take the high road or the NFL lying about even asking her because they got rejected.  All I care about now is who will fill that coveted role of Super Bowl Halftime performer.  Here are my top recommendations:

 

Macklemore

I saw him perform in June and he was incredible.  No joke, he was one of the better performers I’ve ever seen.  The next day I nominated him for this very performance.  The dude has hit after hit and has great musicians and dancers in his arsenal.  Macklemore is exactly the kind of act the Super Bowl needs.  Consider him my top choice.  What do they sing?  5 songs?  Thrift Shop, Can’t Hold Us, And We Danced, Dance Off, Downtown.  Game over.

Pitbull

Say what you want about Pitbull, but almost every single of on his songs are jams.  They’re all basically the same, and people clown on him all the time, but you can’t help but tap your feet at the very least.  Pitbull would be fucking hilarious for the Halftime Show.  The NFL has been trying to expand internationally for years.  Who better than Mr. Worldwide himself?  Give Me Everything, International Love, Fireball, plus Culo and Bojangles for some panache and flare.

Justin Bieber

JB is probably too big for the NFL to be honest.  If anybody’s gonna big time a chance like this it’s Bieber because frankly he doesn’t need it.  He’s already rebuilt his image and then some.  It would be more great PR for him, but he’s still a fucking rock star who doesn’t need the Super Bowl.  But the ratings would be through the roof.  Every time the Biebs performs, the world stops.  It’s a no-brainer for the NFL to inquire within to JB’s team.  Sorry, What Do You Mean, Boyfriend, As Long As You Love Me, and Beauty & A Beat.  Bring Nicki Minaj and her ass out for that last one and tear the stadium DOWN.

Selena Gomez

With last year’s all-male lineup, it makes so much sense to get some sex appeal on stage.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Selena sing more than one song at a time, but A) she won’t sing anyway B) she’ll probably crush it.  Who doesn’t want to look at her for 15 minutes?  As for a set list, she’s got Same Old Love, Hands to Myself, Come and Get It, Love You Like A Love Song (jam), and I Want You To Know.  Better yet, stick her on stage with Bieber.  That may be my best idea to date.  Worlds will collide.  No better way to get back in the spotlight than to sing with your ex at the Super Bowl.  No guarantee that they won’t go off script and bang on stage, that’s the only concern.

Justin Timberlake

The ultimate performer.  Nobody is better than him all around.  Seriously there are very few people who can stand out in multiple areas, yet he can sing, dance, act, and he’s also funny as fuck.  Honestly I just think it’s time for a reunion with Janet Jackson.  The world is ready for a “do over” despite that entire thing being staged.  SexyBack, Mirrors, Can’t Stop The Feeling, Suit and Tie, and Señorita (of course).  Everyone loves Justin Timberlake.  Nobody would be less of a controversy considering people are always complaining about the Halftime performer.

Bruno Mars

Yes, Bruno Mars, again.  Every time he performs I wonder how such a little man can be so good.  He’s got swagger for days and mass appeal for multiple generations.  I don’t know if there’s a minimum number of years required in between Super Bowl performances, but Bruno Mars is the obvious exception if so.  I’ll take Uptown Funk, Locked Out of Heaven, Treasure, Just The Way You Are, and Billionaire.

Paul Wall & Chamillionaire

If anyone can confirm their whereabouts then that’s the first step.  Once we know they’re both still alive, it is at that moment that the first phone calls should go out to them.  The reason being is that they’re both Houston natives (how’s that for research?), Super Bowl is in Houston, and it seems like the Halftime Show selections are somewhat random anyway.  Talk about reviving careers.  If the NFL cared about creating jobs, this is the duet that the world needs.  No clue what they’ll sing though, but they could just jump around on stage and it would be hilarious.  Grillz, Ridin Dirty, Good Morning, and that’s about as far as my library extends.

Afroman

Hear me out because I think I’m onto something big here.  Obviously nobody wants Afroman to perform at the Super Bowl.  He’s a washed up has-been who recently punched a girl in the face (on stage) and threw a guy off of the stage.  But you know who needs to mend fences and rebuild their image more than Afroman?  The National Football League.  They’ve issued random punishments for random crimes for years and haven’t really made much of an example out of anyone (instead they focused two years of their attention on deflated footballs).  They’ve harbored criminals and scumbags and are a joke of an organization at this point.  Nobody respects the NFL, so why not go full heel and double down.  Hollywood couldn’t script a better comeback story than the league giving a second chance to a ridiculous person like Afroman who viciously right hook’d a girl with no remorse or hesitation.  Rather than mending broken fences, might as well keep at it.

James Corden

Let’s change it up and go with a stand up comedy-type performance.  Let this guy get on stage an sing and dance and crack jokes because he’s an extraordinary performer.  He’s sort of fat which everyone loves, he’s hilarious,  and his accent is mesmerizing.  Totally flip the script.  Everything this guy touches has turned to gold over the past two years or so.  He performed at and hosted the Tony’s and crushed it, obviously.  Not to mention the carpool karaoke videos that have swept the nation.


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This Piece About Lilly King’s Poor Sportsmanship After Beating A Cheater For The Gold Medal Is Bullshit

ESPNW: I might get my red, white and blue patriotism card pulled for this one, but the way swimmer Lilly King handled herself after Sunday’s 100-meter breaststroke semifinals wasn’t exactly the finest example of sportsmanship. King, who swims Wednesday night in the 200m breaststroke semifinal, was caught on camera from the green room Sunday waving her finger at Russian rival Yulia Efimova, who had just won her heat and put up a victorious No. 1 finger. King smugly wagged her finger at the screen before going out to swim in her heat. Later, after King won her race, she explained her gesture in an interview with Michele Tafoya of NBC: “You know, you’re shaking your finger No. 1 and you’ve been caught for drug cheating. I’m just not, you know, a fan.” …

The 19-year-old American ultimately won the gold medal, and Efimova won the silver. But despite winning, King just couldn’t let it go. She wagged her finger again while in the pool, refused to shake hands with Efimova and later threw another jab at her rival, saying, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal and knowing I did it clean.” She subsequently drew praise and cheers from the media and fans alike for her honestly and candor. But she looked more like a playground bully, playing up the worst of American stereotypes — brash and rude in victory. King’s comment seemed deliberate and malicious. Instead of being a gracious winner and taking the high road, she took the moment to continue to trash the reputation of someone else. …

Efimova has not disputed anything and instead quietly made her return to the pool, as anyone cleared to do so would do. The ruling bodies allowed her to be there. But that apparently wasn’t enough for King. While other athletes who make similar returns are often touted as tales of redemption, including Merritt, Efimova has been given the “big, bad villain” treatment — despite no evidence of her currently using any banned substance. …

But in the meantime, Efimova is a person, and not just a symbol of Russia’s perceived shattered system, and on Monday night, she won the country’s first-ever medal in the 100m breaststroke. While she said after the race she was “just happy to be here” after the turmoil leading up to the Games, she didn’t even fully get to enjoy her historic achievement thanks to King and the narrative she helped create. Doesn’t such an accomplishment deserve a little bit of respect from her peers? Isn’t that what the Olympics are all about, after all? In a chaotic world, the Olympics provide a rare moment of global unity and togetherness. At its best, the spirit of the Games transcends borders and politics, but it seems no one bothered to tell King. Perhaps in her next victory, she’ll instead choose to appreciate the moment and won’t feel the need to ruin someone else’s.

 


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Someone get this bitch off her high horse please.  What an unbelievably bad piece of writing this is.  Seriously, it’s embarrassing, and I hate myself for even reading it.  Clickbait like you read about, damn internet got me again.  Nothing like a wet blanket to ruin the party, a party where America stomps on the faces of every other country in the world because that’s what the Olympics are all about.  It takes some balls to publish something like this.  Obviously there’s some sort of resentment behind this writing because this is too over-the-top to be nothing more than devil’s advocate.  We could toss around theories all day, but I think this was a shameless plot to make headlines and have your name linked to a viral article.  And that’s pathetic.

Let me ask you something, Darcy Maine.  Ever play sports before?  Ever been in any competition for anything before?  The reason I ask is because any self respecting competitor knows that the ultimate goal is VICTORY.  Every single time you compete, the idea is to win.  If you don’t, it’s a failure.  And if you have any other mentality than that, then that’s how you end up like Darcy Maine writing bullshit pieces for ESPNW, trashing an American champion who beat a steroid-shooting Russian cheater.  Get the fuck out of my face.  This Darcy clown could very well be a Russian spy, seeking vengeance for the 1980 Miracle on Ice, or the Cold War, or beating them to the moon despite getting a head start with Sputnik.

This is a matter of USA vs everyone else, Russia especially.  It’s good versus evil.  It’s heroes and heroines versus cheaters.  The Olympics are about winning and nothing else.  Sportsmanship goes out the window when you’re fighting for a gold medal.  Gamesmanship takes a backseat when you’re swimming against a lying, cheating Russian who shouldn’t be allowed in the same swimming pool.  When someone like that is allowed to compete and loses, they should get taunted and humiliated in front of the entire world.  When she was announced before the race, the entire stadium (and world) booed the shit out of her.  Beating her ass for the gold medal and bringing it back to its rightful home (USA) was the icing on the cake.  Take your garbage journalism and board the first international flight out of these United States.

 

 

Bad Santa 2 Is Happening

Billy Bob Thornton is BACK.  The black midget who looks like he’s aged 40 years is BACK.  Thurman Merman is BACK.  Bernie Mac is no longer alive and will therefore not be back.  RIP Bernie Mac.  This is huge news.  Bad Santa is a Top 5 Christmas movie in circulation, and I won’t hear anything opposing views on the matter.  It’s a must watch whenever it’s one TV.  I’m talking won’t even put it on and then check to see what else is on also.  THAT kind of must watch.  The boxing scene where Marcus and Thurman Merman box at the gym is a hall of fame scene.  Drunk and degenerate Willie is his best role in any movie by far, and if he’s a fraction of that character then this movie will be just fine.  And as long as Thurman Merman makes one sandwich reference, I won’t say a bad thing about the movie.  13 years later but not soon enough.

November 23rd, it’s lit.