Yesterday morning I was getting breakfast because I spent half of the night prior on my bathroom floor. It happens. The blame lies with my champagne consumption. I have no regrets. Anyway, I needed to replenish the system, and what better way to do so than with a breakfast sammy? I’m waiting on a typical Sunday morning line that went out the door. Classic. As I moved up the line, I was standing next to the counter right by all of the bagels. The only thing separating the bagels from my reach was a piece of glass that may as well have been triple thick bulletproof.
I am in clear sight of all of the bagel flavors, but one in particular caught my eye: Black Russian. What the fuck is a Black Russian bagel? I’m no bagel virgin, alright? It’s 2018. I’ve just about seen or heard about it all in terms of flavors. These culinary folk have been pushing the envelope for years going farther and farther outside the box. It’s only a matter of time before someone literally serves me a bagel that’s on fire. I’m here for that, by the way. But the ‘Black Russian’ label caused me to double take. This was a new one.
It looked like a pumpernickel bagel with seeds on top. Turns out that’s exactly what it is. It’s a Pumpernickel Everything bagel. I gotta say that sounds way more enticing than Black Russian does but I digress. This all begs the question: who orders Pumpernickel bagels? Never once have I seen anyone do so. I can’t envision any scenario where a Pumpernickel bagel catches my eye. Pumpernickel bagels are completely irrelevant in the bagel spectrum. Have you ever heard of an Everything bagel? To be honest, I’ve never had a Pumpernickel bagel and I can confidently say they’re gross.
Everything. Poppy. Sesame. Plain. Egg. Salt. Cinnamon Raisin. Multigrain. Whole Wheat. Shall I continue? There are SO many better choices. But they always sell them, right? So people have to be eating em. This may be dramatic, but if I saw someone order and eat a Pumpernickel bagel I think I would have no choice but to think less of them and discredit them as a person. A Black Russian at least has Everything seasoning on top. It’s not much better, but at least there’s some pizzazz there. Pumpernickel bagels are for the birds.