‘Twas a typical Monday. September 25th, 90 degrees in New Jersey. So I went to the beach. But before you get your panties in a knot about me being at the beach while you slaved away in your cubicle, hear me out. Yes, I had a nice relaxing day at the beach, for the most part. But I bet you didn’t have your lunch stolen at the office. A seagull stole my lunch today, right out of my hand.
I was just settling in, my feet were barely in the sand. Was the beach peaceful as fuck? It sure was. Surrounded by tranquility and the crashing waves, life seemed to be good. What I did not know was that I was also surrounded by hungry seagulls. I should have known better as this was a beach and seagulls are known to have a proclivity for spending time on the beach scavenging for food.
I took my sandwich out of the bag, thinking to myself, “What’s better than this?” My turkey sandwich with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, oil, and vinegar had my attention, but evidently not my full attention. As I picked up half of the sandwich and held it in my left hand, poised for a sizable bite, my eyes shifted to the right. What distracted me, I do not know. But in the few moments it took for my eyes to move away from my sandwich and towards the beach, an aerial attack was underway.
Before I could come to the realization of what was happening, my sandwich was snatched out of my hand. My eyes quickly returned to attention, but the damage was done. A seagull committed a robbery. This stupid fucking bird stole my sandwich. It flew in from my blindside, my sandwich was an easy target, and I was the biggest sucker on the beach. It was a clean transaction too. No mess, no collision, nothing. Just swooped in out of nowhere and, mid-flight I might add, pilfered my lunch from my hand.
It was a harrowing experience. One rogue seagull with an appetite took full advantage of a negligent young man with a sandwich for the taking. I was left with one half of my sandwich and a side of minor trauma. I’m still grateful as I type this tale. I’m lucky to have all of my fingers. It all happened so fast. Bitch ass bird taunted me after too, just sat there 15 feet away like a real asshole. Fuck seagulls.