Nut Rankings

As the snack correspondent at, I cover any and all snack time-related topics, included but not limited too candies, chips, pretzels, and nuts.  The following consists of my rankings of nuts.  I ask that you be mature in your reading and comprehending of what I have written.  We all know the various meanings of nuts, but this blog is in regard to the food nuts and nothing else.  Please be an adult, one time, and respect the serious tone and my passionate words.  Who knows?  Maybe your opinions will be the same as deez…DEEZ NUTS.  Apologies, had to make one.

I don’t like walnuts.

Pecans are not good.  The one exception is when they’re atop some sort of sticky bun, pie, or pastry.  I tolerate them because when it comes to desserts, but I’d very much wish if they were not included on otherwise yummy sweets.

I don’t particularly enjoy almonds although they’ve become increasingly popular (i.e. Almond milk).  It seems unavoidable, but plain almonds on their own?  Not for me.  I think most people love almonds, but I couldn’t care less about them.  Flavor lacks, versatility doesn’t exist.  The only variation of almond that I fuck with is the Toasted Almond bar from the ice cream truck.  Fuck yeah.

Walnuts, pecans, and almonds round out the “Bad Nuts” category, with Pecans being the only one I’d consider befriending if Almonds were people and not inanimate objects.  Macadamia nuts stink too; they’re so irrelevant that I regret wasting keystrokes on typing this entire sentence out.

Now we’re getting into the big leagues, consisting of the three nuts that actually matter.  The most versatile of the nuts, the classic, the American, the old reliable: Peanuts. Think about it. You’ve got planters, you’ve got baseball game peanuts, and you’ve got airplane honey roasted peanuts. This isn’t really fair but without peanuts we have no peanut butter. With that logic peanuts kind of have to cemented in the number one spot.  But for the sake of comparing nuts to nuts and not the iterations and extensions of such, peanuts rank third.  The top 3, however, is distantly superior to all others. So there’s no shame in the bronze.  The only complaint is that they’re sometimes greasy and oily and therefore messy.

Number two is the pistachio nut.  The biggest challenge that pistachios face is, oddly enough, their own exterior.  Do you fully understand?  Pistachio nut shells are their own biggest adversary.  Most of the time they’re easy to crack (pun intended), but the one’s that are tough to open are frustrating, enough so that I’m often left throwing them out altogether instead of wasting time on one shell for one nut.  But at the same token, you can’t eat pistachios that come de-shelled.  That’s part of the deal, for better or worse.  They’re salty and delicious, though they’re kind of messy with the shells.  Lots of handling involved.  But at the end of the day, they’re a top 5 travel snack and a top 3 time passer snack.  There actually may be no better snack to eat for no reason while doing some menial task simply to pass the time.

Cashews have, in recent years, earned their spot at the top for me.  Out of fairness I’ll point out pros and cons as I did for all other nuts.  If I could change one thing about cashews it would be their knack for getting stuck in my teeth; I find that I’m always fishing pieces out of my teeth which is kind of annoying.  That’s a small price to pay for the delight that cashews offer time after time.  On their own they have a sweet undertone.  They’re big and crunchy and fucking awesome.  I won’t even get into the new wave of flavored cashews, but cashews on their own take down any and all other nuts.  I’ve encountered a newfound love for cashews in the last 2 years or so, and I’m so grateful for this eternal love.

And so there you have it.

  1. Cashews
  2. Pistachios
  3. Peanuts
  4. (distant) everything else

The public agrees:

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