It’s Summertime Which Means Fuck Your Acai Bowls Because It’s All About Berries

It’s summertime, folks.  That calls for iced coffee, the beach, and for all you dummies who like to follow the crowd, playa bowls.  What does that even mean?  I don’t get the appeal, nor do I fundamentally understand exactly what it is.  I can tell you for sure that nobody knows what acai is.  White girls love it, and I’ve asked about it on numerous occasion but I’ve gotten nowhere in terms of basic comprehension.  Find me a picture of one of those dumb bowls that’s more appealing than these sweet glistening berries.  Can’t do it.

Which brings me to berries.  Everyone loves berries.  Everyone knows what berries are, there’s no confusion, there’s no ambiguity.  Berries are unanimously comprehended and enjoyed; universal love and sweet, sweet berries.  The only controversy surrounding the berry spectrum is what’s best and what’s worst.  Taste is subjective so we’re all allowed to have our own opinions.  I’ll disagree with yours if it doesn’t align with mine and tell you incessantly that you couldn’t be more incorrect, but I respect the opinion albeit a wrong one.  Berries are commonplace in society yet when’s the last time you’ve had a discussion about berries?  When’s the last time you compared blueberries to strawberries?  (A little apples to oranges joke there).

I’d like to start by declaring cranberries as the worst berry by far.  They’re trash.  They shouldn’t even count as berries and more closely resemble cherries.  Berries and cherries rhyme but they couldn’t be more different.  The major difference is that berries are good and cherries are not, so it makes perfect sense to trade cranberries from Team Berry to Team Cherry.  Also, and this is maybe my most salient point, cranberry juice is vile.  Vodka+Cranberry is a suspicious drink of choice, and I think less of those who enjoy.  No chaser is better than cranberry juice.  It’s the only fruit that produces disgusting juice.  Scratch the idea of trading to Team Cherry, how about we cut it altogether from the fruit category?

Moving up the chain from the dumpster inside the cellar…we have raspberries.  It’s a big jump up from the level that cranberries so arrogantly reside in.  But they’re the next worse, and I’d imagine it to be rather challenging to find someone to oppose this sentiment.  Maybe I’m nitpicking but my first thought about raspberries is the dumb spelling.  That “p” is totally uncalled for similar to the likes of the “c” in “rock” (shouts to Billy Madison).  But in regard to the taste, they’re fine.  I typically eat them mixed together with other superior berries.  I lean more sweet than tart, and raspberries often fall more towards the latter.  Bottom line is I cannot see a scenario where I’d eat raspberries a la carte without other (sweeter) fruits.

Can someone explain to me why blackberries don’t get their rightful praise?  Blackberries are fucking delicious.  It took me a long time (until approximately last week) to fully realize their deliciousness, but I won’t take them for granted anymore.  Blackberries sit alone, comfortably and proudly, in the second tier of berries.  They’re juicier than the similarly shaped raspberry, and they’re far sweeter.  Packed with flavor, it’s time blackberries earn their due.  Another reason to love blackberries is their scarcity.  It seems that they’re available most seldom in comparison to the other berries.  It’s a shame.  I couldn’t tell you when the official blackberry season is, but it is now blackberry season for me.

It pains me to award the silver medal to blueberries because I am obsessed with them.  They deserve high praise and nothing but.  A good batch of blueberries can rival any fruit at your local farmer’s market.  They’re small and cute and easy to eat in large quantities and, above all else, fucking delicious.  My gripe with blueberries is their difficulty to eat; using a fork is hard but using a spoon doesn’t really make sense.  Use your hands and be left with purple stains on your fingers.  It’s a tough game that generally pays dividends, but buyer beware.  A dull handful of blueberries is incredibly disappointing, and you’ll be left to eat no less than 250 subpar blueberries.

The king of the berry family and probably all fruits.  Strawberries provide the perfect combination of sweet and sour.  Strawberries are consistent.  Strawberries are versatile.  Strawberries are the best berry.  It’s a true insult to them specifically that they have to share a surname with cranberries.  You can’t have a smoothie without strawberries.  You can’t have chocolate covered strawberries without strawberries.  Those are facts only.  But to be fair no fruit is perfect.  It’s only right to call strawberries out on their imperfections as well.  The stems on top are kind of annoying.  Have to cut them off or bite around them, creating a minor inconvenience either way.  But it’s worth it every time.  Strawberries for the W.

Are pomegranates berries?  If so fuck them too.

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