Today was a snow day. We had no bacon in the house so, as subsequent result, breakfast was cancelled. I cancelled breakfast. I did not want to cancel breakfast, but what other choice did I have? My mother suggested we substitute CORNED BEEF for bacon. As a mother, it’s her job to try to help. But I believe deep down that she knew how bad of a idea that was. Whatever. Normally it wouldn’t be an issue except for the fact that I was fully expecting bacon to be available in the kitchen. Last night, in preparation for this “storm”, I asked my brother Ryan to pick up bacon on his way home. He said he would, and he even said where he’d go to get it. I wake up this morning, no bacon to be found. And that takes us to where we are now. We are at the point of assigning blame, and there are SIX candidates who the blame can fall on. Let’s break it down.
Brother Ryan – Ryan said he would pick up bacon and was unable to fulfill that promise. Upon an aggressive interrogation this morning, he said he went to two places late last night, neither of which had bacon. If true (unconfirmed), he deserves some credit for making the effort and (alleged) extra effort to come through in the clutch. But at the end of the day, he welched on his end of the bargain. Ryan was the only person who said he would get bacon, and he did not do so. Accountability. I’m not saying it’s his fault that both locations were out of bacon. All I’m saying is that when you say you’re bringing home bacon, and you don’t, you can’t be surprised when the finger gets pointed at you.
Mama Dukes – My mother generally does most of the food shopping for the house. She generally makes sure we’re stocked up weekly with whatever we need, and I speak for all beneficiaries when I say I am grateful for that. But when you’re the person who does the food shopping, this situation may fall under that umbrella. Why didn’t my mother buy bacon last time she was at the store? When we finished our last package of bacon, why didn’t she replace it? Whether or not it’s fair to blame her is not up to me. I’m here to lay out the facts and make the case for and against all transgressors. I also didn’t appreciate her downplaying the absence of bacon (see: first paragraph).
Dad – As the “man of the house”, all responsibilities fall on his plate when it comes down to brass tax. You get blamed for the bad and don’t get rightful credit for the good. That’s the job you sign up for when you reproduce. I didn’t make those rules, society does. On any given snow day, he heads the shoveling/snowplowing committee. He’s the first one out there and the last one to come inside. It’s a major task on a snow day, and one that does not go unnoticed. But as the designated “bread winner”, it falls on my father to literally bring home the bacon. I’m not mad at him. I’m just disappointed.
The weather forecasters – The weather forecasters hyped up Stella like you read about. We were hearing “Snowmageddon”. We were expecting 20 inches of snow. When you promote an event like that to an entire region of the country, people panic. They flush the aisles of supermarkets to get milk, bread, eggs, and, evidently, bacon. It’s a frenzy out there in the days leading up to any big snow storm. While this isn’t the first time they’ve overblown a storm, you could make the argument that had they been more accurate in their findings and projections, the public would have been in less of a panic, and the local bacon supply would have lasted longer. But on the other hand they’re habitual educated guessers and nothing more than that. We should have known better than to believe the people who are regularly incorrect.
The fools who recently concluded that the record low pork prices would NOT result in a bacon shortage – That’s right. You read that correctly. Pork lovers were nervous amidst the speculation of a potential nationwide bacon shortage. But experts quickly debunked that. Could these analysts really be responsible for the lack of bacon in my refrigerator? Seems like a stretch, I’ll admit that. They’re out there doing their job, analyzing shit and reporting on their conclusions. But Oh were they wrong. No bacon shortage? I beg to fucking differ. Hey, analysts, why is it that you said there would be no bacon shortage and my brother went 0-for in his quest to get bacon for our snow day? Riddle me that!
Yours truly – Hand up on this one. If I had the foresight to ensure bacon supply in my house, I would have gotten the bacon myself. I wouldn’t have had to rely on little bro to come in clutch as the storm was looming. If I cared about bacon as much as this blog alludes, then I would have taken it upon myself to get the job done. However, I think I was duped. The analysts said there’s plenty of bacon to go around. The weathermen said to prepare for the storm of the century, causing mayhem in grocery stores everywhere. My parents failed to live up to their parental obligations of providing for their children. Little bro said he’d get bacon and simply did not. I was given a losing hand. But when the snow falls, is it ultimately up to me to make sure that I have bacon? Well, that’s the million dollar question.