Disclaimer: I had no idea how to spell Hanukkah. Had to type what I thought was correct into Google only to be quickly humbled once again. It’s one of those words I’ll struggle with until the end of time. And why are there two spellings for Hanukkah? What’s the deal with that?
Word on the holiday cheer-filled streets is that Hanukkah Night 1 and Christmas Eve are the same day. Brutal scheduling by the Jews. Someone’s getting fired for that executive decision because Christmas Eve is winning this fight in a bloodbath. As a participant in both holidays’ festivities, it’s blatantly obvious that Hanukkah doesn’t hold a candle to Christmas (HOLIDAY PUN). Opening a present eight days in a row is cool and all, but opening up a slew of presents one after the other and trying to stack the boxes sky high is an event everyone looks forward to. When you open up a bunch of presents at once, the bad gifts don’t stand out. If you get a shitty gift for Hanukkah, that is your one present for that 24-hour span, and there’s nothing you can do except wait for the next day.
Also the Hanukkah food sucks. Potato latkes are fire, but that’s it. Gelt, those little chocolate coins in gold wrappers, stinks. Gelt is horrible. What other Hanukkah foods are there? Nada. Christmas cookies alone overshadow the entire holiday of Hanukkah if you ask me. Decorations: advantage Christmas in blowout fashion. Music: advantage Christmas by a mile; Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah songs are dope, but that’s all there is to look forward to. I can’t give a comprehensive summary on the story of Christmas, so the jury’s still out on that one. But it’s Christmas in a rout. Next year don’t put your first night and star player up against Christmas Eve. December 24th is untouchable. Call me when the Tribe draws up a music video like this.
It’s a Christmas Massacre. And speaking of Christmas massacre…