A Quick Blurb On NYC Umbrella Etiquette

Back when I was a youngin I refused to own/carry an umbrella.  I’d rather get soaked then succumb to what I reluctantly agreed to call a social norm.  Those days are long gone.  I was a fool, and a wet one at that.  Nobody wants to be a wet fool, it’s completely unbecoming.  I made a promise to myself that until I worked in the concrete jungle of New York City, I would not change my ways.  But a deal was a deal, and I eventually sucked up my pride and carried an umbrella, begrudgingly.  I have never looked back, and for all you out there who feel too cool to use an umbrella (believe me, I’ve been there), you will join the team one day.  It’s only a matter of time before Mother Nature takes its course.  Fuckin NAILED that pun!

New York City is the epicenter for international business, culinary, arts, and so much more.  But when it rains, there is no place worse.  The city can barely operate.  Its people are completely incapacitated.  New York City as a whole is crippled as a result from some raindrops.  The city that never sleeps suddenly becomes a war zone of inhabitants that don’t know how to perform basic functions.  Puddles amount to 6 inches in depth and surround every single street corner, making it more difficult to walk.  The vast majority elect for the subway as opposed to walking, crowding the trains and creating delays for everyone.  It’s chaos in the streets and underground as well.

Despite the conglomerate of New Yorkers who flock to the trains, there’s still a billion people walking the sidewalks hastily trying to get from A to B without getting wet.  And when everyone’s walking with an umbrella, they’re taking up a lot of surface area on the already crowded sidewalks.  People of different heights and widths using umbrellas of different heights and widths creates general clutter and mass confusion out here in the streets.  Most people in NYC don’t give a FUCK about anyone else.  The main focus is getting to the destination as fast as possible, and I get it, man.  I’ll leave a path of destruction behind me, I’ll throw an elbow, it doesn’t matter.

If you’re not careful, you can get an eye poked out by another’s umbrella.  And if you’re a self-centered scumbag, you could be issuing the eye gauge with your umbrella.  I have the biggest, baddest umbrella on the block.  It’s gigantic, it’s fierce, and it’s strong as hell; a raindrop hasn’t touched me in over a year.  I’m well aware of what kind of obstacle it becomes, so when I’m walking through crowds, the umbrella goes up and over.  Nobody gets hurt, everyone stays dry.  Up, down, up down.  That’s the umbrella game at its core right there.  It’s basic etiquette and common courtesy.  It’s called having regard for others.  Next time y’all are strutting with your umbrella thinking you’re better and dryer than everyone else, keep in mind that you may also be causing legitimate potential danger to other people.  If you complain about it but don’t make an effort to fix it, then you’re part of the problem.  Fuck you.

So much for a “quick blurb”.


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