People, we are one day away. Whether we like it or not, it’s making up to be The Donald or The HillDog. It seems like we’re being forced to choose between the lesser of two evils, emphasis on the “evils” as I feel they are both super villains in their own fucked up, sociopathic way. The general consensus is that nobody likes either of the candidates. It may be too late to replace their names on the ballot, but I have generated a list of alternative options. There still may be time… These FIVE are way more qualified than the two bozos we have been forced to tolerate. It’s taken quite some time to compile this list, but just in time as I feel we can still do this; we can still avoid the shitty candidates and elect someone who is ready for the challenge, and no, it’s not that independent Gary Johnson guy. He has no chance. Gotta feel for the Ralph Nader of every election. I’ve ranked them in order of qualifications, but I’d be happy to see any one of them sworn in come January.
5. Thomas Whitmore (Independence Day)
The man responsible for one of the greatest motivational speeches in cinematic history deserves, if nothing else, a conversation regarding his candidacy. Okay fine, he was in office when aliens took the entire planet hostage and destroyed every major city from New York to Hong Kong. But if I remember correctly he was also in office when we defeated the biggest threat this world has ever seen. On the shoulders of one early-morning rally speech we were able to preserve the planet. Twenty years later amidst another cataclysmic disaster, he single handedly advanced the fight against interstellar enemies and sacrificing himself in the process. The man literally got out of bed to battle evil aliens. If we can resurrect Whitmore, he’s got my vote. We will not go quietly into the night!
4. Frank Underwood (House of Cards)
If you’re not on the House of Cards train, then you’re fucking up. It’s as simple as that, one of the best shows around. His Southern accent is convincing yet intimidating. Frank Underwood will get a job done by any means necessary regardless of how. FU’s not afraid to kill if it means setting himself up for success. A mastermind of planning and execution, Frank and Claire Underwood would find themselves well in the real White House. He’s an evil sociopath with manipulative tendencies, but give me Underwood and I’m confident in the state of our nation.
3. James Marshall aka Harrison Ford (Air Force One)
Let me ask you, the reader, a question. Who would you want to be your only lifeline while being held hostage at 30,000 feet? The only answer is Harrison Ford. There’s nobody else I’d want to take on terrorists head on. He’ll get his hands dirty do what needs to be done and doesn’t care if he’s doing it from the comfort of the Oval Office or in enemy airspace. It’s that DGAF attitude that’s uncommon in today’s political world. He may or may not have authorized the release of a general who headed the mission to acquire nuclear weapons, but at the end of the day that guy got killed as did all the guys who took control of Air Force One. Big win for USA when it was all said and done, and that’s what it’s all about.
2. Jon Taffer
Taffer’s résumé speaks for itself. They don’t induct just anybody into the Nightcub Hall of Fame. He’s progressed from a businessman to a business, man. We’ve seen him walk into hundreds of bars/restaurants across the country, identify the problem, eliminate the deadweight, implement new systems, stimulate the drive amongst employees, and watch the dollars roll in. He’s an expert in human interaction, driving sales, and endorsing the power of a positive attitude. Complacency is not a word in his language. There’s no doubt he’ll do the exact same in Washington DC. Jon Taffer is my only nomination that has no fictional presidential experience, but his business prowess has me reassured. It takes him only 5 days to turn around a bar, imagine what he can do with unlimited resources in 4 years.
1. Mays Gilliam (Head of State)
Let me refresh your memory. Mays Gilliam, former Alderman, was the first black President of the United States. Before Obama was elected, Gilliam defeated Brian Lewis in stunning fashion. On short notice he was thrown into the campaign fire and beat war hero and Sharon Stone’s cousin in the race for the White House. Gilliam is a true man of the people. He’s been high! He’s been robbed! He’s been broke! His credit is HORRIBLE! They won’t even take his cash! Mays is an everyday person like you and me, not a stiff, robotic loser like Clinton and not a brash, power-hungry menace like Donald. “How can you support drug laws if you’ve never smoked the chronic?!” Actually he possesses characteristics of both current candidates, and I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether they’re good or bad. Not afraid to speak his mind (Trump), more liberal than their conservative adversary (HillDog), not your prototypical politician (Trump), will not sit back and be bullied (HillDog). All he needs is a new running mate (RIP Bernie Mac). There’s no better person for the job of Commander in Chief, ya heard?!