Shia LaBeouf May Or May Not Have Gotten Married In Vegas To His Fiancee With No Eyebrows

The prologue to this paradigm-shifting development was covered a little more than six months ago.  Shia LaBeouf’s then-girlfriend agreed to marry him.  A love story for the ages had budded and now it has finally blossomed.  If you read my column from March, you will see that I was 100% supportive of the relationship.  The exact words were “I think this one may last”.  Shia LaBeouf is not a multiple marriage type guy.  When he finds an angel with no eyebrows, he locks her up and throws away the key.  Enough of the pats on my back.  I also said, and I quote, “I will be personally offended if I don’t get an invite to the LaBeouf-Goth Nuptials.”  I stand here today hurt but not broken.  I support Shia LaBeouf in every decision he makes, albeit I would have been a tremendous guest/witness/best man.  In addition, and this is according to the transcript, I also predicted that the wedding would be far from normal.  Getting hitched in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator is as atypical as it gets.  That sort of obscurity is par for the course in the LaBeouf+Goth world though.  Anyone who thought their ceremony would be flowers, toasts, and a cocktail hour is as dumb as rocks.

Congratulations to Shia LaBeouf and his lovely new bride who just so happens to not have eyebrows.  I stand for all passengers on the Shia Train when I say now is the time to strap in.  A small part of me fears that he’ll settle down a bit now that he has a wifey to keep him grounded.  But the ground level for a couple like this is higher than any ceiling I can see for the average person.

Honeymoon gonna be LIT.


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