FOX25: “Okay so I’m not sure why neither of you responded back to my emails, but I don’t really care as long as you both know this and understand that I’m not going to settle for anything less than what I’m gonna tell you that I’m gonna get once I arrive in the dorm. I’ll take the top bunk. I DO NOT want the single bunk where it has a desk underneath the top bunk so don’t try to leave me that. I’m also taking one of the white closets. There should be two white closes and I’m taking one of them. I don’t care which one it is, just know I’m taking one of them.
“I want the desk that’s near the window. Plain and simple. I don’t care about who gets the bottom bunk but just know that what I stated above is what I’m expecting once I arrive at the dorm and I won’t be in the mood for any arguing or other nonsense because one of you two decided to deliberately disregard this email. IF needed be I’ll turn it into a bigger situation so don’t try me.
“Sorry but not that sorry for the attitude. I don’t like being ignored because that’s just rude but that’s what you both decided to do so I decided to make it clear now on the kind of person I am and what I will and will not take.
“So as a final reminder: I am getting the top bunk of the bunk bed with the bed on the bottom, I am getting one of the white closes and I’m getting the desk near the window. That’s fair enough to ask considering that I’m giving up fighting for the top bunk.”
You have to respect this move. Leave nothing to chance. You’re playing Russian Roulette if you’re leaving your random roommate selection to chance. You may as well set the ground rules from the get go. I didn’t want to live with someone I knew at college, and I ended up striking gold with my random roommate. He was from Cyprus and he turned 21 a month into our freshman year. I liked to consider him my European lottery ticket. He also happened to be a good dude and remains a friend to this day. I can’t imagine that’s the case for many random freshman roommates. My roommate set the ground rules on me as well but by showing up before me. So when I got there he already picked which side of the room he was taking. Savvy move. Avoiding the confrontation by simply marking his territory before I even showed up. Evidently college kids these days don’t think at that complexity.
Obviously it comes off a little overbearing when you send an aggressive list of demands followed by a rage-fueled second email. The email aspect of it is very weird. Ever heard of a text message? Whatever, man. It sounds like it’s gonna be three roommates in one room with 2 closets. What the fuck kind of college is this? That’s some kind of bullshit. I’m no math expert but I can crunch simple numbers. My findings show that three people cannot share two closets. That would require one person to split half of their belongings between two closets, getting 1/3 of each. Who’s gonna agree to that? Nobody. So at the end of the day, one person is getting an entire closet. The other two split the second closet and they bring in some extra drawers or a dresser. That’s it.
One last thing. And this is the biggest standout to me of the entire letter. Why would someone ever request a top bunk? If I heard that my roommate was demanding the top bunk, I’d drive them to college myself and watch them get up there and make their bed like a fucking idiot. She’s demanding the worst bed of the three and won’t listen to a counteroffer? Damn she drives a hard bargain. It’s hard not to respect someone emailing a list of demands including the worst demand of all time. And then they say they’re doing the group a favor by demanding the worst bed in advance to avoid confrontation in regards to the aforementioned bed. “Giving up fighting for the top bunk”. Honestly I don’t really understand what that means but I love it.