I Take Umbrage To Dunkin Donuts Celebrating Their New “Eggs”

 

This morning I made my daily coffee pick up at Dunkin Donuts.  I’m almost at the point where I don’t have to order because the employees and I are so tight.  But they definitely recognize me and give me some special treatment.  My drink order is usually expedited and escalated to the top of the queue.  I don’t hate it.  It’s nice to be appreciated.  This location in particular is always rolling out new items and usually giving out samples.  A few weeks ago they were giving out little cups of their new Cold Brew.  Once in a while they have pieces of donuts for customers to try.  For all I know, every Dunkin Donuts is doing the same, but considering that I go to the same one every morning, I can’t possibly confirm that.

Today they had this new poster up by the register that said: “New Egg, same breakfast sandwich love.”  I am not okay with this.  I have many different opinions on this, so I’ll try to consolidate and keep them somewhat organized.  Dunkin’s eggs are disgusting.  They shouldn’t legally be considered eggs because they’re not.  That’s not my opinion or me projecting because of how passionate I am for egg sandwiches.  That’s a fact.  It’s a mixture of eggs, water, corn starch, and I’m pretty sure plastic and styrofoam as well.  It’s a pre-made patty of filth that gets re-heated in the microwave and passed off as “eggs”.  It’s disrespectful as fuck, and I take personal offense to it.  Better yet, I take umbrage to it.  We’re way past being offended.  Obviously they can’t operate efficiently with a legitimate grill behind the counter.  If this is the best they can do as far as their “eggs” go, then so be it.  My real issue is with them celebrating their new product like they just discovered fucking Mars.

Dunkin Donuts’s food, outside of the actual donuts, is absolute trash.  I know it, you know it, and Dunkin Donuts damn well knows it.  But they make so much fucking money that it doesn’t matter if the eggs have any actual egg component in them.  People are still going to buy the shitty food.  Even I’ll admit I’ve lowered myself to a Dunkin breakfast once in a while.  I hate myself for doing it, I hate eating it, and I hate knowing that I ate it afterwards, but we’ve all been there.  The point is that they don’t have to focus on the food because they make so much on coffee and donuts.  So why bother market the new eggs?  Why try to fool us into thinking the eggs are legit when the entire human race knows that’s nothing more than a bullshit fallacy?  They’re well aware of the quality of their food, yet here they are dancing around doing the Cha Cha Cha about putting more eggs in their eggs.  Fuck outta here with that.  Put your tail between your legs and get back to work.

If I’m Dunkin Donuts (Disclaimer: this is probably why I’m not Dunkin Donuts amongst other reasons), I don’t put a dime into promoting the breakfast.  They should embrace that they’re putting out a shit product and sell that.  “Hey our eggs are disgusting but so are you and you’ll eat them anyway”.  I like realness.  Be real with me and I’ll respect you.  If DD ever admits to selling trash eggs, their business will take off.  I know they’re trying to compete with McDonald’s All Day Breakfast, but nobody can truly put up a fight against McDonald’s in anything.  Stick to coffee that’s way too hot and munchkins.  That’s your wheelhouse, Dunkin.


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