We Need To Have A Discussion About The Guy Who Sat Next To Me At The Movies Last Night

I saw Sausage Party last night.  I went by myself which is a veteran move by the way.  The movie was hysterical, and the last scene was one of the single most ridiculous scenes in the long history of cinematography.  The guy next to me, however, did not agree evidently.  The guy didn’t laugh or react one time.  That’s such a try-hard tough guy move.  “Oh I’m too much of a man to laugh out loud at the movie theater”.  All other 14 people (it was a packed house) in the theater were howling from start to finish.  If I find something funny, I laugh because that’s how you express emotion you clown.  It gets worse.

This guy was an odd ball from the get go.  Before the lights dimmed I was worried about who I was sitting next to.  It took every ounce of restraint to not stare at him while he did, but in my peripherals I caught him pouring nacho cheese sauce all over his popcorn.  Is that legal?  Even if it is, it could be the most sacreligious act to ever be carried out in a movie theater.  Popcorn doesn’t get better than movie theater popcorn, everybody knows that.  And if you absolutely must tinker with it, that means extra butter and maybe salt.  Nacho cheese shouldn’t even be allowed in the movie theater.  I am sick and tired of movie theaters trying to reinvent the wheel and turn the snack bar into a Ruby Tuesday’s.  What kind of asshole wants to eat a hot dog during a movie?

By no means is this an indictment on nacho cheese; I happen to think nacho cheese is stupendous.  I respect the hustle of mixing and matching foods and combining ingredients.  In fact, I partake in such somewhat regularly.  With that being said, movie theater popcorn and nacho cheese should remain independent of one another.  I won’t even mention that nacho cheese is too think anyway and that it would be impossible to mix around the cheese inside the bag/bucket and cover every piece.  You can try to get me to mention it, but I won’t do it.  I also won’t go into the inevitable problem of messy hands.  A handful of popcorn provides enough mess.  How can you manage to focus on the movie while you’re covered in crumpled up napkins looking for a clean one to rid your hands of buttery nacho cheese?  Again, I won’t go into that.

The guy also had a slushee without a cap.  No exaggeration, I have never seen that before.  The entire purpose of the cap is so you get that extra bit of slushee deliciousness.  The cap goes on before you fill the cup.  The best part of the slushee is filling it up a little too much even though you think you nailed it.  And then it starts overflowing through the top hole and you have to slurp it straight from the cup before you can get a straw in there.  This guy was as big of a movie virgin as I’ve ever seen.  It very well could have been his first time at the movies and his first time having a slushee.  I bet he drank the slushee slowly too so that it could last him the length of the movie.  Ha!  If you don’t finish the slushee before the opening credits then you don’t deserve to enjoy one period.


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