Adele (Thankfully) Turns Down Super Bowl Halftime. Here Are My Top Recommendations:

There’s a ton of hoopla sweeping the media surrounding this story.  Apparently the NFL extended an offer to Adele to perform at next year’s Super Bowl, Adele kindly decline, and now the NFL is saying they never offered her the opportunity in the first place.  Frankly I don’t give a shit if the NFL extended the offer or not.  The only part that matters is that Adele will not be performing at the Super Bowl.  This is great news.  Adele said it herself that she’s not a dancer and essentially doesn’t want to perform.  She also said that the Halftime Show is not about singing.  Uhh yeah no duh, Adele.  It’s about a performance.  It’s about getting asses out of the seats to dance, something that Adele has no history in.  She’s got serious pipes, one hell of a singer, there’s no doubt about it.  But after blindly selecting fucking Coldplay last year, it’s almost impossible to pick someone worse.  Adele would have been far worse.  Granted, Coldplay was better than I anticipated, I thought they did pretty well considering.  But nobody gets hyped for Coldplay.  And the word “hype” has never and will never be associated with Adele.  I have no opinion on Adele trying to take the high road or the NFL lying about even asking her because they got rejected.  All I care about now is who will fill that coveted role of Super Bowl Halftime performer.  Here are my top recommendations:

 

Macklemore

I saw him perform in June and he was incredible.  No joke, he was one of the better performers I’ve ever seen.  The next day I nominated him for this very performance.  The dude has hit after hit and has great musicians and dancers in his arsenal.  Macklemore is exactly the kind of act the Super Bowl needs.  Consider him my top choice.  What do they sing?  5 songs?  Thrift Shop, Can’t Hold Us, And We Danced, Dance Off, Downtown.  Game over.

Pitbull

Say what you want about Pitbull, but almost every single of on his songs are jams.  They’re all basically the same, and people clown on him all the time, but you can’t help but tap your feet at the very least.  Pitbull would be fucking hilarious for the Halftime Show.  The NFL has been trying to expand internationally for years.  Who better than Mr. Worldwide himself?  Give Me Everything, International Love, Fireball, plus Culo and Bojangles for some panache and flare.

Justin Bieber

JB is probably too big for the NFL to be honest.  If anybody’s gonna big time a chance like this it’s Bieber because frankly he doesn’t need it.  He’s already rebuilt his image and then some.  It would be more great PR for him, but he’s still a fucking rock star who doesn’t need the Super Bowl.  But the ratings would be through the roof.  Every time the Biebs performs, the world stops.  It’s a no-brainer for the NFL to inquire within to JB’s team.  Sorry, What Do You Mean, Boyfriend, As Long As You Love Me, and Beauty & A Beat.  Bring Nicki Minaj and her ass out for that last one and tear the stadium DOWN.

Selena Gomez

With last year’s all-male lineup, it makes so much sense to get some sex appeal on stage.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Selena sing more than one song at a time, but A) she won’t sing anyway B) she’ll probably crush it.  Who doesn’t want to look at her for 15 minutes?  As for a set list, she’s got Same Old Love, Hands to Myself, Come and Get It, Love You Like A Love Song (jam), and I Want You To Know.  Better yet, stick her on stage with Bieber.  That may be my best idea to date.  Worlds will collide.  No better way to get back in the spotlight than to sing with your ex at the Super Bowl.  No guarantee that they won’t go off script and bang on stage, that’s the only concern.

Justin Timberlake

The ultimate performer.  Nobody is better than him all around.  Seriously there are very few people who can stand out in multiple areas, yet he can sing, dance, act, and he’s also funny as fuck.  Honestly I just think it’s time for a reunion with Janet Jackson.  The world is ready for a “do over” despite that entire thing being staged.  SexyBack, Mirrors, Can’t Stop The Feeling, Suit and Tie, and Señorita (of course).  Everyone loves Justin Timberlake.  Nobody would be less of a controversy considering people are always complaining about the Halftime performer.

Bruno Mars

Yes, Bruno Mars, again.  Every time he performs I wonder how such a little man can be so good.  He’s got swagger for days and mass appeal for multiple generations.  I don’t know if there’s a minimum number of years required in between Super Bowl performances, but Bruno Mars is the obvious exception if so.  I’ll take Uptown Funk, Locked Out of Heaven, Treasure, Just The Way You Are, and Billionaire.

Paul Wall & Chamillionaire

If anyone can confirm their whereabouts then that’s the first step.  Once we know they’re both still alive, it is at that moment that the first phone calls should go out to them.  The reason being is that they’re both Houston natives (how’s that for research?), Super Bowl is in Houston, and it seems like the Halftime Show selections are somewhat random anyway.  Talk about reviving careers.  If the NFL cared about creating jobs, this is the duet that the world needs.  No clue what they’ll sing though, but they could just jump around on stage and it would be hilarious.  Grillz, Ridin Dirty, Good Morning, and that’s about as far as my library extends.

Afroman

Hear me out because I think I’m onto something big here.  Obviously nobody wants Afroman to perform at the Super Bowl.  He’s a washed up has-been who recently punched a girl in the face (on stage) and threw a guy off of the stage.  But you know who needs to mend fences and rebuild their image more than Afroman?  The National Football League.  They’ve issued random punishments for random crimes for years and haven’t really made much of an example out of anyone (instead they focused two years of their attention on deflated footballs).  They’ve harbored criminals and scumbags and are a joke of an organization at this point.  Nobody respects the NFL, so why not go full heel and double down.  Hollywood couldn’t script a better comeback story than the league giving a second chance to a ridiculous person like Afroman who viciously right hook’d a girl with no remorse or hesitation.  Rather than mending broken fences, might as well keep at it.

James Corden

Let’s change it up and go with a stand up comedy-type performance.  Let this guy get on stage an sing and dance and crack jokes because he’s an extraordinary performer.  He’s sort of fat which everyone loves, he’s hilarious,  and his accent is mesmerizing.  Totally flip the script.  Everything this guy touches has turned to gold over the past two years or so.  He performed at and hosted the Tony’s and crushed it, obviously.  Not to mention the carpool karaoke videos that have swept the nation.


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