The Fate Of Doug Funny And Patty Mayonnaise Has Been Revealed

EW: Both the character Doug and the eponymous series itself have always seemed to exist at the whims of other, more powerful people — and as such, series creator Jim Jinkins says the show’s current rights-holder, Disney, doesn’t seem to have much interest in bringing Doug back for more Bluffington bliss. …

But first: The story of Doug has always been synonymous with the life of Jinkins, who conceived of the character in the early ’80s as a cartoon alter ego. Many of the show’s storylines came from Jinkins’ own life, and that same logic now applies to the filmic follow-up Jinkins has begun writing. …

What happened to the love of Doug’s life? That’s where Jinkins’ tale about his surprise reconnection with the real Patti Mayonnaise comes in. If you want to know what happens to Doug, you must first find out what happened to Jim:


It’s my ten-year reunion, and I didn’t go. I was in New York working like crazy as a freelancer and just trying to make it there. And I got a phone call in New York and it’s Patti. The real Patti. And my heart’s beating fast. She’s like, ‘I was at the reunion! You weren’t!’ and I was like, ‘Yeah…sorry…I had to work.’ And she goes, ‘I found out you live in New York. Guess what—I do, too!’ And she told me where she lives. We lived across Central Park from each other. And she says, ‘Why don’t you come over for dinner?’

So now we’re in a Doug show. I’m like, what do I wear? What will she look like!? All that’s happening as I’m walking across Central Park to her apartment, just wondering and just hoping, all those things. I was, at the time, very available.

I get to the door, and you get buzzed up in New York, and so I walk up to the apartment and I hear the lock turn—it’s getting ready to happen—and she opens the door, and she’s perfect. Just perfect. She just looks spectacular and she’s so happy, and her arms fly up and we hug, and I’m just like [frightened guttural gasping noises]. She backs up and she goes ‘Look, Jimmy! Boobs! I got my boobs!’ [Laughs.] It sounds like I’m making this up, right? And I’m like, ‘Yeah… yeah, uh huh!’ ‘Yeah, they always used to call me Flatty Patti, but look!’ And she was just funny and fun and innocent, but it’s like Doug and Patti together again, ten years later, right?

So this is all wonderful, right? And then she wheels and goes, ‘Oh, Jimmy, I want you to meet my husband.’

And I don’t even remember the rest of the evening.

There it is, friends: Doug Funnie and Patti Mayonnaise don’t end up together. At least, not right now. …

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What a bitch that Patti is playing with Doug’s feelings like a fiddle and stabbing him in the dick.  Poor Doug got caught in the friend zone and was too pussy to ask for an ultimatum like so many of us fellas.  Some of the blame has to fall on him but at the same time he wasn’t the one leading someone on only to marry the asshole.  This is a story as old as time itself.  But the blame falls on the shoulders of that entitled little hoe, Patti Mayonnaise.

I can’t say I fully remember how the show ended, but anyone who’s ever watched Doug knows that Doug never got closure of which he was so deserving.  Patti let him hang around like that conniving, ruthless devil that she always was and still remains to be.  All she had to do was tell Nice Guy Doug Funny she wasn’t interested so that Doug wouldn’t go on to live a life of torment and wondering “what if”.  Doug Funny could have put it behind him and then proceed to run through all of Patti’s friends in spite of her bitch ass.

This is a lesson to all guys out there.  Don’t be a pussy and make a move.  If you fall flat on your face so be it.  But you can’t sit in the batters box and go down on strikes looking.  Plenty of tail out there, don’t stay hung up on Patti Mayonnaise for too long.  This weekend we drink for Doug Funny and anyone else out there stuck in the friend zone.

Also Patti Mayonnaise had the weirdest accent of all time.  Fuck that hoe.


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