People Magazine’s List of 100 Reasons To Love America Stinks

People Magazine’s 100 Reasons To Love America:

First responders

Amazon Prime

Trader Joe’s

Etsy

Transgender Orange Is the New Black Star Laverne Cox and Our Commitment to Equality

Chris Pratt’s Instagram

Beyoncé’s Formation Tour

Shondaland

The Silicon Valley

“I love that we are a multicultural country – I am exposed to so many different cultures and people.” –Amandla Stenberg

Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas

The Mister Softee Jingle

The Octopus from Finding Dory

Snow Leopard Cubs at Chicago’s Brookfield Zoo

Drew Barrymore’s Flower Beauty

Kenny Chesney’s Stadium Shows

The French Quarter, New Orleans

Jon Stewart’s Farm Sanctuary

Biscuits

State Fairs

Seattle’s Pike Place Market

Frappuccinos

Writer Ta-Nehisi Coates

“The public library system.” –Allison Williams

Frozen

Zac Efron’s Torso

Fixer Upper Stars Chip & Joanna Gaines

Tom Hanks as Captain Sully

24-Hour Diners

Comedian Samantha Bee

Red Solo Cups

Chef Ina Garten

Director J.J. Abrams

Budweiser’s ‘America’ Cans

Steve Harvey

“So much culture, specifically in music. It’s deep rooted, and it’s a beautiful thing.” –Nick Jonas

Blue Jeans

Betty White

Shake Shack

Ralph Lauren

Pickup Trucks

“Grand Central Station.” –Laura Linney

Kendrick Lamar

Dolly Parton

Krispy Kreme’s ‘Hot Now’ Sign

The Dixie Chicks

Chewbacca Lady

Gwen Stefani & Blake Shelton’s PDAs

Carrie Underwood’s Legs

Ballerina Misty Copeland

“Hamburgers, hot dogs and margaritas. My husband’s a chef, so I consume those on a regular basis.” –Shiri Appleby

Sesame Street Co-creator Joan Ganz Cooney & Her Philanthropist Husband Peter Peterson

Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling”

Detroit’s Shinola Line of Products

U.S. Gymnast Simone Biles

Blake Lively’s Maternity Style

Totchos (Tater Tots + Nachos)

Las Vegas Residencies

Flamingo Rafts

“My freedom.” –Tracee Ellis Ross

Lucy the Elephant

Wearing Sneakers with Everything

Taylor Swift’s July 4th Party

Eyeglasses Company Warby Parker

“I love the people. I’m from Russia, but I feel like I am so welcome here.” –Irina Shayk

Bruce Springsteen

Oprah Winfrey and the Power of Reinvention

Barbecue Joints: 17th Street Barbecue (Murphysboro, Illinois); Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que (Kansas City, Missouri); Franklin Barbecue (Austin, Texas); Big Bob Gibson Bar-B-Q (Decatur, Alabama)

Oscar Night Fashion

“When I did the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, I got to say things to the President that in most countries, I’d never be able to.” –Joel McHale

The Little League World Series

Anderson Cooper

The Return of Bridget Jones

Mall of America

Sweet Tea

“Optimism.” –Michael Kors

Marfa, Texas

Broad City and the Power of Friendship

The High Line in New York City

Chrissy Teigen’s Twitter

“The diversity.” –Ashley Graham

Rides on Demand

American Ninja Warrior

Honey Nut M&Ms

The Stylish Dogs of Instagram

Drybar

Superheroes

Visiting Kids in the Hospital

“They give you second chances.” –Naomi Campbell

Porch Swings

Jessica Alba and the Entrepreneurial Spirit

Matthew McConaughey

The Grand Canyon

Lobster rolls and beyond

LeBron James

Route 66

Lin-Manuel Miranda & The Hamilton Cast

Girl Scout Cookies

The grand ol opry

Farmers markets

Our resilience


Obviously this list stinks.  It’s trash.  I swear as soon as you get a job at any accredited publication, you get to make lists of any kind and nobody cares because you’re bringing in traffic to the site.  Have some pride in your work one time.  Lists are created for the simplest of minds, so if you’re going to make a list, at least put some effort and produce a quality collection.  I tried making a list of 100 things I love about America, but it’s a near impossible task.  There’s too many great aspects of this wonderful country.  I could disclose some of my list, but I feel more at home criticizing somebody else’s garbage list.

 

Shondaland – never heard of it.  Can’t crack the top 100 if everyone doesn’t know about it.  That’s rule number one.

Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas – See: Shondaland

The Mister Softee Jingle – I’m with it.  I assume it’s The Entertainer because that’s the only ice cream man song that matters.  I’ve been on a big ice cream truck kick lately.  It’s as vital to the recipe for a good summer as anything else.

The Octopus from Finding Dory – This is exactly why this list is shit as is the author who created it.  Sticking a (what I believe is a) secondary character in a sequel that came out two weeks ago on a list of Top 100 Reasons to Love America is such a try hard move.  I haven’t seen the movie yet but I’d be surprised if this Octopus is anything more than a funny cartoon character that I’ll forget about completely 48 hours after seeing the movie.  I don’t want to belabor this too bad, but I can go in on this one all day.  Moving right along.

Biscuits – yes

State Fairs – awesome if you’re poor and/or have never had a good time before

The Public Library System – no

Frozen – good movie

Zac Efron’s torso – well deserved spot on this list.  Helluva body on that guy

24-Hour Diners – are so dope.  Seriously there’s not much better than a late late night diner move.

Chef Ina Garten – the GOAT.  I love you, Ina.  If I could trade my mom for her I’d do it and drive my mom to the airport.  And she’d be okay with it.  That’s how great Ina is.

Ralph Lauren – heard that

Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, and Margaritas – technically those are three things but well deserving of a spot on the list

Sesame Street Co-creator Joan Ganz Cooney & Her Philanthropist Husband Peter Peterson – “Philanthropist Husband Peter Peterson”?  What an absurd sequence of words.  She probably introduces him like that. “Hi this is my philanthropist husband, Peter.”  Well what kind of philanthropic work do you do, Peter?  And also, Peter Peterson??  That name can’t be real.

Taylor Swift’s July 4th Party – click bait 101

“When I did the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, I got to say things to the President that in most countries, I’d never be able to.” – Joel McHale  –  I don’t think Joel provided an answer but rather elected to tell a story.  Fair enough.  Kind of a wasted answer, but I respect it.

Anderson Cooper – the silver fox!  His hair is so perfect it makes me want to be gay

Sweet Tea – That’s what they call Iced Tea in the South right?  Iced tea rocks

Marfa, Texas – Never heard of it, may have to get out there now

Rides on Demand – See: Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas

Honey Nut M&M’s – Is this what’s hot in the streets right now?  I sure hope not.  I’ll take the regular and peanut M&M’s, thanks.

Drybar – I have to assume this is not referring to dry bar or a bar without booze because that would be the dumbest answer for any question ever

Porch Swings – I think I like the idea of porch swings but not actually using them.  I’m not that tall so when my feet are off the ground I’m at a disadvantage.

Matthew McConaughey – very fair point

 

And there you have it.  These are only the select few that jumped out at me at first glance.  It’s a bad list, no doubt about it.  If there’s one thing to take away, I leave you with this:

If you’re making a list, make a good one.  It’s not exactly a profound theory, but it’s important to keep in mind.

 

 

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