The legend of Juan Uribe continues. Another chapter has been written in the saga of his coke can dick. We’ve all heard the stories for years that his hog was by far the biggest in every clubhouse. How he would just put his giant dick on teammates’ shoulders in the clubhouse. How he’d twirl it around like a wet towel (unconfirmed but it’s 1000% true). I have literally heard it all. Some of us are more endowed than others, and by ‘us’ I mean Juan Uribe, and by ‘others’ I mean everyone else in comparison to Coke Can himself. Last week he took a 106 mph ground ball right to the shaft. It’s a big target, no doubt, but that’s gotta do some damage. They listed him day to day with a testicular injury I think. If you ask me, I think that’s just precautionary. I’m a firm believer that he could probably just drop trou and pop a boner and BOOM all cuts and bruises are gone. At this time I cannot validate the scientific possibility of that, but rules simply don’t apply to Juan Uribe.
And now the word comes out that he doesn’t wear a cup, an unprecedented move in baseball. The reason being because cups don’t fit him. His dick is too big. No cup can hold his gigantic dick and balls. It’s one of the most amazing happenings of all time. Can you imagine? “Nope can’t wear a cup, dick doesn’t fit.” The ultimate mic drop. Having a dick that’s so big that you can’t even protect it. I’m amazed when I hear someone has a size 8 1/2 hat or size 16 sneakers. The difference here is that nobody has ever seen a dick this big before. Every room he walks into, he has the upper hand. Everybody knows he’s got an absolute hog, bigger than anybody else’s. He knows it too. And he knows that they know. Check mate.
God bless you, Juan Uribe.