I Know How To Save The Kentucky Derby

Word on the street is that the buzz around the Kentucky Derby did not live up to expectations after American Pharaoh won the Triple Crown.  Maybe since history was made, the appeal was gone, I don’t know.  I’m not a scientist, just a casual horse racing fan and lifetime pony-betting loser.  Personally, I don’t get it.  I get HYPED on Derby Day.  The outfits are outrageous in the best way.  The electricity in the air is palpable.  Any event with a bunch of rich white folks sticking their noses in the air like their shit don’t stink has my full attention again and again.  Side note: do black people not like horse racing?  Seems like it’s a 100% white crowd.  Need some answers there.  It’s also a degenerate gambler’s Christmas morning; the local racetrack where I live is an interesting scene to say the least, times ten million on the day of any big race.  Families being torn apart race by race and they don’t even know it.  Everyone at one point or another needs to see first hand these maniacs SCREAMING at a 14″ TV at 11am with no other care in the world.  Their entire life, at that moment, revolves around that one random horse race.  It’s a humbling sight.

Horse racing isn’t all that popular nationwide aside from the Big 3 races.  Before the Kentucky Derby and after the Belmont, no average person gives it a real thought.  I have a solution that will leave people wanting more.  It’s a new attraction that will instill a craving for the Derby and for horse racing in general.   I ask that you keep an open mind and remain objective in your analysis.  What if before the big race was a little race, aka a Midget Derby?  Little people riding mini horses, the race right before the big one.  Tell me what wouldn’t put asses in the seats.  Not ponies, but mini horses.  They would use a smaller track, obviously.  If you think about it, midgets are technically discriminated against because they don’t fit the “typical jockey stature”.  Who the fuck made that rule?  Anybody who wants should be a jockey so long that they ride a horse that’s proportionate in size.  I’m essentially providing additional jobs to the public, but that’s not the point.

Can you imagine the adrenaline rush of seeing the mini horses come around the final turn and head down the stretch?  With the little jockeys in little colored uniforms with little whips?  I can feel it in my bones just thinking about it.  And for anyone saying “Wow dude, that’s fucked up”…how about fuck you?  Anyone who doesn’t think this would be hilarious doesn’t understand funny.  Here’s the thing.  Every horse race is just another race.  The Preakness is just “the next race after the Kentucky Derby” at its core.  Horse racing needs something different.  Here it is.  It’s a free idea for the Competitive Equestrian Association to run with.  Next one’s gonna cost ya.  It’s in the alpha stages of development, but let’s dump some money into this project and get the legs moving.




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