Bartolo Colon Hit A Home Run And It Was Absolutely Glorious

“The impossible has happened!”

I don’t know where to even start.  This is one of the most miraculous sports moments these eyes have ever seen.  There is quite literally nobody in baseball less expected to hit a home run than Bartolo Colon.  This is the guy who decides before every pitch if he’s going to swing or not.  This is the guy who can’t keep his helmet on when he swings a bat.  Nobody has less business being in a batters box.  Every time he somehow ropes a single, it’s harder and harder to believe.  Over the last 13 months, Mets fans have joked about Colon going yard.  Harmless, wishful jokes that would realistically never materialize.  But last night the stars aligned.  “Big Game James” Shields served a fastball up on a platter to Silver Slugger Bartolo Colon who put the ball on the moon.

Haven’t heard anyone else mention this yet, but Petco Park is a pitcher’s park; home runs are hit at a minimum there.  Bartolo doesn’t give a FUCK about protocol and social norms.  Oldest player ever to hit their first home run.  Slowest home run trot of all time.  Knew it was gone at the crack of the bat.  I don’t even know what else to say.  So I’ll just say I love Bartolo Colon.  I love a 300-lb. 42-yr old Dominican man who goes by “Big Sexy”.  And I’m not ashamed of it.  Tolo has brought nothing but smiles to Mets fans since day 1.  The guy just goes out there every 5 days and throws nothing by 90 mph fastballs.  All he does is eat innings, throw strikes, and evidently hits BOMBS.

Bartolo Colon going deep is truly one of those “Where were you?” moments.  Where were you when we landed on the moon?  When JFK was shot?  When Bartolo went yard?  What we saw last night was a historic moment, an unforgettable moment in sports and in life.  You’ll tell your children and your children’s children about the night Bartolo went all the way.

Check this one off the list.  Never thought I’d live to see a Mets no hitter.  It happened.  NOBODY thought they’d see Bartolo Colon hit a real home run in a real baseball game.  It happened.  Only thing that can top this is a World Series.  If it doesn’t happen, so be it.  We’ll always have May 7th in San Diego.

Cue the music!


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