Today was Free Pancake Day at IHOP, an annual tradition that has highschoolers and poor people fighting for reservations. I remember the good old days of heading to IHOP after school, waiting for an hour, eating free pancakes all whilst being completely oblivious to the fact that the pancakes are free so you can donate your money to charity. And we always ended up spending like $30 each because no person can fill up on one short stack of pancakes. At the end of the day, we all knew it wasn’t worth it, but you simply couldn’t not go to Free Pancake Day at IHOP. Imagine walking into school the next morning without free pancakes in your belly and no stories to tell? Hard to come back from that. So unbecoming.
So while I was hard at work* today, I realized that not only is IHOP disgusting, but there isn’t one credible breakfast chain in the entire country. Denny’s is poorer than poor. Waffle House I don’t even have to elaborate on. Even Perkins is trash. Give me a diner over any of those places any day of the week. They ship low-cost, mass-produced ingredients all over the country, and there’s no flair or charm to it. You feel dirty from the moment you walk in the door, and when you get home you’re filled with grease and regret. No respectable human being enjoys eating at any of those places. I’ll take a neighborhood mom-and-pop joint 1000 times out of 1000. This is not a knock on national chains in general (seeApplebees, Cheesecake Factory, Buffalo Wild Wings). The point is that none of the breakfast spots can whip up a decent french toast or fry an egg correctly.
If you enjoy IHOP you have poor taste and probably an empty wallet.
*Sleeves rolled up, pencil in the ear, walking around holding folded papers, pretending to be busy at work