Americans Would Rather Die From E.Coli Than Give Up Chipotle

Gomerblog: According to a study released last Saturday by University of Colorado sociologist Dr. Prestin Wheats, the majority of Americans are unfazed by the recent E. coli outbreak at Chipotle stores nationwide, preferring to die of an E. coli infection if the only alternative would be to avoid the restaurant chain altogether. “What we are seeing here is a ‘last meal’ type of phenomenon,” said Dr. Wheats, “in which the majority of the U.S. populous find the taste and flavor of Chipotle burritos and bowls so delicious, that they would literally accept death’s embrace than to forgo the scrumptious Mexican food.”

I must admit I was going to preface my reaction by saying this is a bullshit source who can’t spell unphased correctly.  Turns out unfazed is, in fact, a word, the correct spelling, and it’s used appropriately here.  So joke’s on me.  With that being said, I’ll go on the record and say that this is a bit over the top.  A hyperbole, even.  I love Chipotle as much as anybody.  I worked there, learned and mastered the coveted guacamole recipe, ate it every single day.  But any rational person with a brain would elect to forgo Chipotle and subsequently forgo death.  That’s obvious.

Now if it’s continue eating Chipotle with the risk of dying from e.coli (i.e. TODAY), I don’t think anyone is taking the cautious route there.  I do plenty of things on a daily basis that put me in more life danger than the occasional Chipotle indulgence.  I walk the streets of New York City alone, filled with crazy bums who would kill me because it’s something to do.  I take the subway, underground, infested with vermin I have no knowledge of.  Dammit I almost die of a calf cramp in the middle of the night every other week.  I think a burrito bowl with chicken will be okay.

This just goes to show how hypnotized people are by Chipotle.  They are obsessed and will do absolutely anything.  They said they’d rather die than not have it.  That’s an unbreakable bond.  That’s love.



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