Employed: Chapter 2

Welp, there you have it.  Retirement has come to an end.  I’ll be honest it lasted MUCH longer than I anticipated it would.  I spent so much time in my desk chair that it broke.  You get that?  My desk chair broke.  (You get that?  The whole store got the flu.)  It was really wonderful (most days), and I’m looking forward to a permanent retirement down the road, when I have enough money to support that lifestyle.  Because being retired doesn’t exactly pay the bills.  If we’re being politically correct about it, my entire stint of not working wasn’t a retirement but was Unemployment aka Funemployment.  I think I created that term by the way, but that’s for another time.  Every day was different.  Some days I was on the grind morning to night on my computer and phone applying to jobs, setting up interviews, and feeling broke.  The next day I’d wake up all smiles, enjoying this time off (which is rare in the grand scheme of the average person’s working career) and pretending that having no real source of income was a sustainable lifestyle (it’s not, by the way).  But I’d obviously tell people I was retired because nobody is gonna feel sorry for me, so why should I feel sorry for myself?  Plus it sounds way cooler.

Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, and now me.  All came out of retirement at one point or another to chase their dream.  One went down as the greatest his sport has ever seen.  Another will be known for timely interceptions and sexting a Jets cheerleader a picture of his limp dick.  As for me, my story is still unwritten, but based on the odds I have a 50/50 shot at being the greatest ever.  And if that comes with the potential to be known for sending nudes to cheerleaders, then so be it because I’m willing to take that risk.  And so I take my talents to Ralph Lauren, my first day marking barely 2 weeks since Ralph Lauren himself stepped down.  Some call it a coincidence, others destiny.  I see it as an opportunity, an opportunity to take over a Twitter account with over 1 million followers, an opportunity to fill Ralph’s shoes.  I mean they’re gonna need to replace him with someone right?  Someone with a sense of style most likely, and don’t forget that I own a jean jacket.  You fill in the blanks.

A message to anyone who is unemployed/retired: find things to do to keep yourself busy.  Change it up to keep yourself motivated, stay active, be persistent, etc.  There’s always car chases on TV if you follow the right Twitter accounts, that can keep you busy for a few hours a week.  Save your loose change and cash it in to feel like you worked that day.  Go to the gym, read, write, etc.; something productive to keep your mind fresh so you don’t feel like a lazy asshole all day.  There will be plenty of time for TV, I picked up a bunch of new shows.  I watched enough Food Network to rank the different show hosts top to bottom.  Enjoy your time off as little or as much as you’d like, but I’m essentially a Retirement Expert at this point.  I should have just become a full-time Retirement Expert.  It would be more of a social/consulting role than a financial/retirement planner.  Next time I’m out of a job I’m wasting no time in heading down this path.

This is probably a good thing for the long term.  I’ll make money, I can move out of my house (no longer my parents’ house because ownership goes to the person who spends the most time/uses the most resources there), etc.  Also, working gave me a ton of fodder to write about.  The daily commute should result in many new blogs until it causes my inevitable suicide.  But until then it’s back to the working life, back to the commuting life, back to the Monday-Friday grind life.  Back to the steady paycheck life as well so CHEERS TO THAT.



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