So tomorrow the youngest tribe member of the Hammer family goes off to college, really exciting times for everyone. Not gonna get all cliche and sappy, but it really is crazy to think my little brother is about to be in college. It feels like just yesterday I was the one moving into the dorms ready to crush beers and be a degenerate for 4 years. Nevertheless, I’m happy to pass the torch. I’ll spare you the feelings, but I’ve come up with a list of pros and cons of this situation. As excited as I am for the young homie, what about me? It’s all about me, after all.
I get my own bathroom. This is most likely the best outcome of this entire situation. It’s a huge win for me for obvious reasons. I’ve never had my own bathroom before, I don’t even know how my life is going to change because of it, but there’s a high ceiling here. I have that ability to recognize not just talent, but potential as well. It’s a great time to be me.
All the house chores fall to me. This will be a tough adjustment for me. Usually when the sink is full of dirty dishes and the dishwasher is loaded with clean dishes, I’ll take half the brunt and delegate the other half to the little bro. Now it’s all on me. Double the work. And frankly, I don’t have time for it. I’ve never met a retiree who does dishes as much as I do.
He’s going to college 15 minutes from Parx Casino. Needless to say, a monumental, paradigm-shifting, scale-tilting win for me.
I have nobody to drop movie lines on. Being able to include movie references in my daily conversations is something I don’t take for granted. Having someone who can understand and appreciate the quotes is sadly rare nowadays. Now who am I supposed to drop movie lines on? Small loss for me.
I can go visit and pretend I’m in college again. Massive tally in the ‘Pro’ column. I’m already scheduling a visit to throw myself back into the fire and be a college student again for a weekend. My appearance won’t be a problem, it’s more of an attitude thing. If you act like you’re supposed to be somewhere, people don’t ask questions. If anything, my wisdom and life experience will be to my advantage. It won’t be long until he’s in my shoes and I’ll be like 80 years old and the mere thought of going back and drinking with college kids would make me throw up all over myself.
Now I really feel old and washed up. I remember my first few days of college quite vividly (except for all those hours we were so wasted! Yeah! College! LOL!) Those first few days flew by. The next 4 years flew by even faster. Now I’m a washed up grad/retiree. It takes me like 2 hours minimum to recover from a night out now, so it’s not like I haven’t been able to identify my first hand declination. But if I can’t enjoy college anymore, nobody should. This inevitable depression is a substantial negative.
I get to live vicariously through him; his stories become my stories (except for the ones about me being a college athlete, even I can admit that one will be tough to get people to buy into). It’s basically a second go around for me. And I don’t have to struggle to get C’s in classes. I get to take the good without the bad. What an arrangement! I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this life.
I’m officially living alone with my parents. Can go either way to be honest. On the upside, I’m now the favorite in the house by default; this is a first for me, so I’ll take it however I can get it. I’m thinking that because he’s the last of us, he’ll get the most attention in terms of his life at school (which would be the case anyway); I see this working to my advantage because my parents will be all in on his grades and soccer life as well, essentially taking the pressure off of me in all aspects of post-grad life. Probably not, but maybe. I don’t think middle child syndrome (a real thing by the way) eradicates itself. On the other hand, I’m the only one to yell at in the house. I’m going to be subjected to all meaningless conversations that could have otherwise gone to the little bro. If someone has a bad day, they have to take it out on me because there’s no other choice. I could get a little bit of special attention at home though because I have a feeling my parents don’t want me to move out; that could easily result in bribes of all kinds which I will gladly except with tremendous gratitude. Jury’s out here, we’ll have to let it play out.
All in all there are probably more pros than cons. A win for Eric is a win for all!
Follow him on Twitter and relive some memories while pretending you’re in college for the next 4 years. God knows I will.