The Official List Of Food Contests That I Can Win

This past weekend, as we celebrated yet another wonderful Independence Day, we watched our TVs as an American classic took over ESPN2 at noon on Saturday.  At the corner of Surf and Stillwell, longtime American hero Joey Chestnut was dethroned as the Hot Dog King right in front of our eyes.  No coming back from that, he might as well retire or die quite frankly.  People get old and keel over and die, it happens.  I just didn’t expect it to happen this year.  Maybe I knew it and just didn’t want to admit it because there’s nothing wrong with believing in a good thing.

That being said, it got me thinking of which food contests I could contend in.  What foods can I eat better than anyone?  For the sake of a legitimate argument, because I’m obviously a stranger to hyperboles, we’ll say that all other contests are regular civilians, not competitive eaters.  I’m talking ordinary people with ordinary appetites.  Here’s the official list of foods that I can win a contest eating:

Ellio’s Pizza – I’ll run through sheets and sheets of that delicious pizza.  I’ve eaten Ellio’s by the box on snow days, hungover days, Sundays, and all other days as well.

Cheez-Its/Goldfish – Everyone knows I’m the king of Cheez-Its.  And as far as Goldfish go, there is no finite number that can accurately estimate my limit.  Infinity is the answer.  I can eat an infinite amount.  I had to put these together as they both fall under the cheesy snack category and I imagine there would only be a contest for one of them.  That’s just how my brain works, take it or leave it.

Raw Clams – Littleneck clams to be exact, on the half shell.  This is more of a speed thing for me.  I have yet to cross paths with someone who can eat raw clams as fast as I can.  Anyone can sit down and eat large amounts of food, but can they do it quickly?  Keep in mind we’re talking about a competition here.  Flawless technique too, textbook slurpage.

Blueberries – I eat between 200-500,000 blueberries every single time.  Facts only.

Entemann’s Mini Chocolate Chip Cookies – It’s impossible for me not to eat an entire box in one sitting.  If put to the test, I can demolish an entire pallet with ease.  Best soft cookies on the market hands down.

Honorable Mention: Stouffer’s Mac & Cheese; this all depends on the temperature because if it’s fresh out the microwave and piping hot, I have no chance.  Let it cool off to a warm but comfortable temp and I’m ready to rock.  Gotta find that happy medium because it can get gross if it gets too cold.  No different than how baseball pitchers are at their best in nicer weather.  All systems need to be aligned for optimum performance.


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