With Father’s Day just around the corner, I am fully ready for the onslaught of cliche “Thanks for being the best dad!” posts on all platforms imaginable. It’s no different than Mother’s Day. Dozens of long sentimental posts about why their dad is the best day, complimented with an old picture from when you were a baby and your dad had an ugly outfit and a mustache. Every year is the same. But every year, I have the same reaction to these posts. It’s just not possible for ALL of you to have the single best dad. It doesn’t make any sense. One person is the best. I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade, but I don’t like being lied to. You can lie to me, just don’t lie to yourself.
So I’ve decided there’s going to be a Dad Olympics this year. All of the “best” dads from all over are going to compete in a series of events to decide who truly is the best of the best. The point being to single out who can actually say on Sunday that they have the best dad. I haven’t worked out all the logistics but there will be a series of events that all dad’s should be able to master.
Grilling – A staple activity that every man should be able to handle. I’m not gonna say you’re not a man if you can’t hold your own behind the grill, but you’re not a man if you can’t hold your own behind a grill.
Golf – Nothing like a quick round of 18 to solidify your father’s spot in dad rankings. Closest to the pin could work also.
Yard maintenance – Mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow off the driveway, etc. I’m of the belief that if you can’t do something and don’t want to do it, then just pay someone else to do it. So if your dad hires the Mexicans to do landscaping instead of him, that’s cool with me
Snoring – Every dad snores I’m pretty sure. I’d put my dad up against anyone. We don’t go on vacation anymore because nobody wants to sleep in the same hotel room as him. He’s gifted with the incredible ability to keep people awake. And it’s not a consistent stream of snoring, it goes in and out, higher octaves every few snores, it’s incredible really.
Making pancakes – You literally have to be able to make pancakes if you’re a dad. My dad makes some of the best pancakes in the game, and if you’re lucky enough to experience it, he’ll make one in the shape of the first letter of your name.
Tie a tie – This really should be mastered by the time you’re 18 at the latest I’d say. But as a father you need to be able to teach your son how to tie a tie. It’s a skill you will need for the rest of your life so you might as well knock it out early. Don’t be the dad who’s son asked someone to help him tie his tie because you never taught him properly.
Drink beer – Not necessarily in large quantities but not not in large quantities if you catch my drift.
So there you have it. If you think your dad can take home the gold, step up to the plate. I’m sure all of you really do have great dads, and I’m sorry it has to come down to this because I don’t want to minimize any man’s father role, but this is the only way I can think of to decide which dad really is the best.