Just a small preface, I took out the company’s name. Not because I’m a pussy who’s afraid of them seeing this but because it’s irrelevant in terms of the purpose of this blog. For anyone who has been reading since the early days, I once wrote about when Ernst & Young rejected my application in like 45 minutes. Also, just to clear the air, I am currently retired BUT it’s also my funemployment. As great as retirement is, it doesn’t pay too well. I’m not at liberty to discuss my future plans, as far as the possibility of coming out of retirement is. But I can say that I check out job applications here and there. We’ll leave it at that.
I’ve been rejected from many many internships/jobs/girls in my day. Most of them are pretty standard, but once in a while you spot a double rainbow, a unicorn, if you will, among the bunch. Today was one of those days. This was the best job application rejection of them all and for a number of reasons.
“I know this probably doesn’t feel too awesome to hear.” Feels fuckin fantastic actually. But thanks!
“If it helps at all, it was an extremely difficult decision to make as we have heard from so many genuinely amazing people like you.” It actually doesn’t help, like at all, like not even a little bit. I’m super stoked that so many genuinely amazing people like me applied to the same job, making it hard for you to make a decision. I’m so sorry you had trouble deciding between all of these genuinely amazing candidates!
“Thank you for thinking of ____ as a place you’d consider including as part of your family.” Woah woah woah. Part of my story? I’m just trying to get a job so I can make money and move out because my parents keep yelling at me to get a job. No story writing here.
“It means the world to us.” Baloney. No it does not.
“I sincerely hope you’ll continue to give us the privilege of counting you among the community.” Ehh fine, whatever floats your boat. Kinda weird though.
“We couldn’t do this without you.” This upset me at first because I was pretty pissed off at this point of the email. But it actually makes perfect sense. They couldn’t choose another genuinely amazing candidate over me without me. There’s two choices, both genuinely amazing. One is me, one is not me. They need me to make that choice. Not sure why I tried to justify this these people can go take a hike.
“Best, Courtney.” Leave me alone.