Shia LaBeouf Is Back With A Motivational Speech For The Books

 

I’ve never felt so empowered in my entire life.  I feel like I could run through a brick wall right now.  Most motivational speakers use tactics such as the sharing of personal experiences.  But Shia LaBeouf screaming and yelling at me was substantially more effective.  What a speech.

Now set aside 30 minutes to watch the FULL video.  It’s so unbelievably worth it, and you really have to watch it all to understand and appreciate it.  For Shia LaBeouf fans like myself, this is must see stuff.  And for those who don’t fully get what this guy’s all about, you’re about to be recruited onto Team Shia.

 

Well this explains all the weird stuff he’s been tweeting all week.  I mean there’s really no real explanation for this, but his behavior on Twitter at least makes a little more sense.  He’s really committed to this “crazy” persona.  Although now it’s officially official that it’s not an act, he is legitimately a lunatic.  And I absolutely love it.  I need more.  Whatever he’s taking, I want some.

How about that ponytail?  I can’t believe it’s taken so long for this to happen.  Only certain types of people can successfully pull off a ponytail, and Shia LaBeouf meets every single criteria plus more.

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Okay now we have to break down some of the topics he discussed.  He got off to a red hot start talking about his dad painting naked girls in black helmets that looked like lollipops.  Yet another piece of evidence of Shia’s far from normal childhood.  Staring at the camera in silence had me laughing uncontrollably.  Repeating “Red, Green, Blue” over and over again made zero sense, but it was the perfect segment for exactly that reason.  And I’m sure there’s deep, profound meaning underneath the surface and between those lines.  That’s just the difference between Shia LaBeouf and I.  I’m a simple guy, I like simple things and straightforward sentences.  Shia likes to get complex and disguise feelings and emotions underneath strange idioms and metaphors.

Let’s not dismiss his story about being surrounded by jellyfish that or may not have been dead.  That was so Shia.  Also, what was with that story about him looking at his girl while he was furiously brushing his teeth and gagging?  That was so Shia.  Talking in a British accent about some guy on the beach in a speedo was an odd segment, yet it was so Shia.  And I’m not too sure on why he recited that song from Willy Wonka, but I’ve learned it’s best to just appreciate the constant activity up in Shia’s brain. But my personal favorite was when he conducted an interview with himself.  The smooth transition from growing up in Singapore to internet relationships was too perfect.  The cherry on top was when he said he can’t fall in love on the internet “because it wouldn’t be love, it would just be porn”.  He’s like a poet.  Never has anything ever made so much sense.  Despite all of his freakish stories and creepy mannerisms, this line in particular was so crystal clear.  I’m adopting this as my new personal tagline.  At my funeral, this has to be the focal point of my eulogy.

Here lies Eric Hammer.  He lived life to the fullest.  He loved many people and many things but never found love on the internet “because it wouldn’t be love, it would just be porn”.  May he rest in peace.

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When the video cut to him like this it was laugh out loud funny.  There was zero purpose of him doing so, which is why he had to do it.  There was no better time for anyone to ever wear a motorcycle helmet while, curiously, not on a motorcycle.

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