Unemployment has presented more opportunities to me than I had anticipated. I barely have to do any laundry (because my wardrobe consists of three different pairs of pants on a rotating cycle). It’s become my responsibility to load/unload the dishwasher (because, you know, nobody else is home). And I’ve become quite familiar with what’s on TV at all times during the day. In the morning, I frequent Live With Kelly and Michael (they are an absolute delight), followed by a combination of SportsCenter and The Price Is Right, maybe the occasional Maury segment for comedic relief. But once early afternoon starts, it’s strictly Food Network. I’ve grown to know and love some of these cooks like my own family. And some of them I absolutely despise, but still watch anyway because that’s my routine. Let’s work our way up from the cellar.
Absolute Worst: Ree Drummond aka The Pioneer Woman
Nobody really knows who she is, which sort of makes my point. She’s a nobody; a nobody with a daily spot on midday Foot Network maybe, but that doesn’t mean I have to like her. She spends her day feeding “hungry kids and cowboys”. She’s got this annoying accent and a personality that makes you want to smash your head against a wall. I’ve also seen her do this weird dance with one of her sons after she finished cooking. Her food sucks and her family sucks.
Second Worst: Ted Allen aka the Host of ‘Chopped’
The main reason I hate this guy is because HE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING. All he does is lift the metal cover off a plate, let out a soft sigh, and say “Chef ____, you’ve been chopped.” That stupid grin drives me bananas. Really not much else to say about him except that he’s a big loser, and I’m confident I could take him one on one.
Third Worst: Anne Burrell
She’s basically Guy Fieri in female form except nobody likes her and she’s not a nice person. No joke, she’s straight up mean. She hosts ‘Worst Cooks In America’ and she just bullies the people around. It’s messed up. I don’t have time for her antics, her attitude, or her freaky head of hair.
With the bad comes the good (or something like that). That’s enough of the deadweight that makes me change the channel and seek alternate means of entertainment. These three are extremely well known, legends if you will. Food Network is what it is because of this group. Facts only.
Third Best: Giada De Laurentiis (host of ‘Giada At Home’)
She pumps out some bomb Italian food, and she’s just a good time. A sight for sore eyes and a beast in the kitchen, can’t ask for much more. You don’t even know what sweet is until you’ve spent time with Giada. There’s simply not a bad thing to say about this lady.
Second Best: Guy Fieri (host of Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives)
Is there anyone cooler than Guy Fieri (rhetorical question due to the fact that it does not require an answer based on the expected unanimity in favor of him actually being cooler than everyone else)? You could argue that he’s the best television host out there at the moment. Triple D is one of very few shows that’s hard to look past when trying to find a show to watch. His style, phrases (ex. Dynamite, Out of Bounds), and mannerisms are what makes him the man (ex. Always talking with his mouthful). There’s two types of people in this world: 1) people who have at one point in there life wished to be more like Guy Fieri and 2) liars.
THE Best: Ina Garten aka the ‘Barefoot Contessa’
It wasn’t easy putting anyone ahead of Guy Fieri, but anyone who watches BC (street term for Barefoot Contessa) can vouch for this. There is nobody better. She is so fucking nice I almost can’t stand it. Just the sound of her voice brings a smile to my face. It’s soothing, almost motherly. I think I may have even called her Mom a few times. That’s how tight we are. I feel like I know her, and I feel like she knows me.