Best Of Manalapan Residents Facebook Group: A Gift For You All

Wait…WHAT?! Did you just say ‘Best of Manalapan Residents Facebook Group’? Sure did. After 133 long days, I just couldn’t help myself. Back by popular demand. 19 weeks have passed since the final chapter surfaced. It’s only fair that with the holiday season very much upon us, I provide the people with a gift in the form of one more Manalapan Residents Facebook Group post. Before anyone gets excited, I am still not in the group. For those of you who don’t recall, my status in the group was voted on, and I was outed, removed from the group. There was a small uproar, and one of the administrators even invited me back to the group. I declined. That ship has sailed. But over the past few weeks I have had people send me posts that they thought were funny, and I have compiled a list of the good ones. It’s like I have spies/informants feeding me my information. Just when you think you got rid of me, I found a loophole. But this will be the last post (or will it?). It’s the longest of all of the Manalapan Residents posts by far. 17 Manalapan residents are about to be put on blast. This is not in spite of anyone or anything, but I’ve been trying to arrange something like this since the day I was voted out of the group (which to this day makes me laugh uncontrollably). Feels good to be back. Now, down to business…

manalapan1 HAHA. This is so Manalapan it hurts. Ya know what, lady? Your son needs to hang onto his shit and avoid all this. I’ve found that the best way to protect my valuables is to not expose them to other people. Not gonna sympathize for this kid when he simply got outsmarted. I’m sure that kid has real trouble sleeping at night knowing he has a free watch on his wrist. And just for the record, reading “little punk ass!” was laugh out loud funny.


manalapan2 Bean bag chairs are one of the most overrated things in the entire world. I had one when I was like 10, literally never sat on it. Teenager? Loser. Start focusing on things that matter. Wouldn’t surprise me if this was the kid who had his watch stolen.


manalapan3 Wait a second. You mean to tell me that Korn is still performing live? Korn as in Korn with the backwards R in their logo? Not a chance. Those guys have to be 50. But let’s assume that Korn is actually still relevant. And let’s even assume that this story is true. The fact that someone just walked past some kid and told him to “take that fucking shirt off” is amazing.
Obviously it totally caught this kid off guard, so he had no other choice but to just sit back and take the insult. Didn’t know what to do until they got to another store. Grow up, Peter Pan. Tip for everyone: don’t wear your Korn tshirt to Five Below! There are some sick people out there.


manalapan4 Hey Jerry. I mean this in the nicest way possible. Stop being an asshole. If Christopher Columbus didn’t make a wrong turn on his boat, guess what? We wouldn’t have America now would we? But he did. And Manalapan scored. And Manalapan won. Take a lap.


manalapan5 Stop the press! Andrew is reporting a new car on the road! Sounds perilous!


manalapan6 Ahh there’s always one. The obligatory “it’s snowing outside, let me get to my computer so I can tell everyone else in this town that it’s snowing with a little bit of suspense/mystery with the “…” at the end”. But we need people like Steven in this world. We can’t all be superstars, gotta have some weirdos too.


manalapan7 Woahhhhh tough guy!


manalapan8 We all gotta grow up some time. Can’t live in fantasy land forever. I’m not saying it’s right that a bully 5th grader told your 2nd grader that Santa isn’t real, but it is undeniably funny. And to Rachelle, calling a little kid a bully kinda makes you a bully, doesn’t it? You’re an enabler, that’s what you are.


manalapan9 This is the meanest internet prank ever. Telling people that Wendy’s is on fire is straight up inhumane. It’s a landmark. Don’t toy with me like that. Someone lock this guy up.


manalapan10 Andrea you little minx! Never took you as a Spencer’s type of gal. But here I stand, corrected, humbled, and kinda turned on. I could care less that you were dumb enough to give away your credit card info or that you’re husband has been experimenting with All I care about is that you love shopping at Spencer’s. And I dig it.


manalapan12 I’m not too happy with America basically surrendering to North Korea, of all places, either. But this is a little harsh, man. Never buying another Sony product because the government acted upon legitimate threats to our country? That’s what they call a “rash decision”, Bill. Sleep on it. Also, you can’t use cowards twice in one post like that, gotta expand the vocab a bit and get creative.


manalapan13 If I get kicked out of the group for cracking a few jokes, this guy soliciting for some garbage anti-smoking product needs to be put up for review. And if I read that correctly he claimed to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. I’m no doctor, but I’m gonna say that’s somewhere between doubtful and highly doubtful.


manalapan14 Wow what a bunch of scumbags. Except not really because who cares. The price is the price, take it or leave it and stop trying to get through life on freebees. Calm down, Jeffrey. Side note: if your name is Jeffrey, you HAVE to go by Jeff. No other option.


manalapan15 Hey maybe take your kids inside until the fire truck drives by? That truck is the loudest truck in the entire world. Why are your kids outside waiting for it if it doesn’t sound like it’s around the corner? Parenting must be hard work!


manalapan16 Worst parent of 2014 award goes to Renee for not getting Tommy a pair of Retro 11s. It was the only thing on his list. So fucked up.


manalapan17 Sick. Thanks, Deb.


manalapan18 The fact that there are over 5000 people in that group is SCARY. Holy moly. Issuing a congratulations literally makes no sense in this situation. Congrats on what? What did they do? And what’s there to be proud of?


So there you have it. Clearly nothing has changed. Consider this a gift from me to you all for the holidays. Happy Holidays to everyone and a happy new year. For any Manalapan Residents reading this, don’t ever change. Not in 2015, not ever.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s