I Got In A Huge Argument Today About Pies

Pies. So versatile. So delicate. So delicious. There’s so many different kinds of pies. They’re worldly. Every country and nationality has some kind of pie they’re known for. And I was pretty sure everyone knew what America’s top pie is. But today the status quo was challenged. For some reason, pumpkins became the topic of conversation at lunch today at work. No surprise there, that’s what happens once summer ends. America goes pumpkin crazy. My coworker (will be known as Coworker) makes a comment about pumpkin pie, I counter with apple pie and it’s superiority, with no intentions of starting an argument but with full confidence that I would prevail should one blossom. Next thing you know, we’re debating which pie is better (not much of a debate from my side). He tells me straight up that pumpkin pie is better than apple pie, which is just preposterous on so many levels. Then he brings up pecan pie, says that’s better than apple pie. I laugh. He doesn’t.

He says he puts pumpkin pie and pecan pie on the same level, far above apple pie (notice how he did not confidently rank one over the other, this will be addressed again). We banter back and forth, I stand my ground, confident in my argument. He was very adamant about one thing in particular; that apple pie was definitely the worst out of the three (remember this as well). He even said at one point that he ranks “garbage” ahead of apple pie. Now I know this man cannot be trusted. What kind of loyal American would compare Apple Pie to garbage let alone deem apple pie inferior? None. As far as I’m concerned at this point, Coworker is a communist and a psychopath. At this point, I told Coworker I rank him below garbage as a person. He doesn’t have to admit it, but I got to him. It was obvious I got into his head, and his argument began to waver.

Let the record show that there’s only one correct order of these three pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Pecan. We begin surveying the rest of the people eating lunch, and the vote seems to be split between Apple and Pumpkin at number one. Anytime someone put Apple at the top, Coworker expresses his disapproval of their opinion, claiming they “don’t know pies”. We asked probably a dozen people in the office, and admittedly most people chose pumpkin as their favorite. The majority also put pecan at the bottom. ZERO people chose apple pie as the worst. Anytime someone said “pumpkin apple pecan” he jumped for joy. Mind you his main argument, his focal point, his thesis statement was that apple pie was clearly the worst. Now he’s celebrating any vote for pumpkin. But before he wasn’t sure whether pumpkin or pecan were better. But before he said apple pie was the worst. Once everyone else started voting for pumpkin, Coworker bailed on Team Pecan like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think he mentioned it for the rest of the day.

Amidst all of Coworker’s ill advised celebrating, I kept reminding him that he has strayed so far off path from his argument that he doesn’t even realize. His argument was all over the place, and I made sure everyone in the office knew so. He wasn’t confident about placing pumpkin ahead of pecan until everyone else did. Classic Coworker. Coworker is a flip-flopper. I’ve been called many things before, never once a flip flopper. You wanna come at me with an argument and stir some controversy, I welcome with open arms. But you gotta stick to your guns. As stubborn as I may be at times, I don’t sway at all. And I respect anyone who has passion for their side of an argument, so long that they can back it up. Coworker could not. Coworker’s argument had no merit, and his credibility at the end of the argument was nonexistent if you ask me. It wasn’t about the pies anymore. Coworker felt he won the argument because pumpkin pie had the most first place votes, but that wasn’t his argument. Coworker lost the argument because he didn’t even have an argument. The votes didn’t matter at that point because it wasn’t about that anymore. It was about Coworker not backing his claim, digging himself into a hole, and quivering under the pressure. All the while I remain cool, calm, and collected (and super heated from this stupid argument).

Had this argument taken place 8 months ago, when nobody even cared about pumpkins, it would have been a clean sweep for Apple Pie, no questions asked. Apple pie is the creme de la creme of pies, in January, in May, in September. That’s my answer today and all other 364 days of the year. But that’s how people are, they go from bandwagon to bandwagon with no care in the world. No one has any moral code these days, no spine. They just drift in the wind like everyone else. Everyday people do everyday things. Sorry, I’m not sorry, I am not about that life.

This was one of the stupidest arguments I’ve ever been in. The fact that the majority of people I work with rank pumpkin pie ahead of apple pie is so ridiculous that I need to really think hard about the people I’m surrounding myself with. The answer is apple pie, always has been, always will be.

PS- pecan pie is gross


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