Breaking News: A Rare Glimpse Of Positive Publicity For Rutgers

EliteDaily: It’s very important to be invested in physical fitness. Running is good for your strength and endurance, while group fitness builds a sense of community. But there’s such a thing as too much excitement about athleticism. An Imgur user posted an image allegedly from Rutgers University’s Facebook page featuring a group of students posing after the RU Muddy mud run.

There’s clearly an evident fifth member (pun intended) in the snapshot. Somehow, the eager Rutgers administrator posting the photo failed to notice it. Imgur users wondered if it was, perhaps, a salami that the student had stored for a snack after the race. Others argued that the enormous bulge was just an air bubble caused by the runner’s wet, muddy shorts. Either way, this is a university-sponsored photo for the ages. Never forget muddy boner-gate 2014.

Inconceivable! Unfathomable! Implausible! Unbelievable! Well that is…something. Is that a dick? It can’t be a dick. But what if it is his dick? Lordy lordy Michael Jordy that is some dick you got there, guy. Finally some good news about Rutgers, kinda. Finally we’re looked at in a positive light, kinda. It doesn’t matter that Mike Rice abused the basketball team. It doesn’t matter that Rutgers paid Snooki $35k to show up on campus. It does not matter that Condoleezza Rice water boarded people in the Middle East and was forced to withdraw her commencement speech. It does matter that Ray Rice beat the shit out of his wife on camera and is now one of the most hated figures in America because that shit is messed up. But this is big news (I have never intended a pun more in my life than in this instance).

Lots of people are just naturally blessed. Some people are gifted with musical genius, artistic ability, athleticism, or giant horse cocks that you probably need to tape to your thigh. If we’re being real, that has to be 14 inches, yes? Incredible girth too, that thing is massive. Frightening yet oddly intriguing. Normalcy is totally out the window when you’re swinging a bat like that. I would think he’s got more productive things to do then participate in the RU Muddy Run, like for instance, lay pipe on the majority of the female undergrad population. But as the wise Kumar Patel once said, “just cause you’re hung like a moose doesn’t mean you gotta do porn”. Not only is that not me, not even close sadly, nor do I even know who that is, but I’m so proud to be associated with him. For some sick reason that I cannot really explain, we are linked together. The whole Rutgers community is banded together by this guy’s enormous penis. What a great day for New Brunswick.

Congrats, man. But be careful with that thing, goodness gracious.

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