Or as I like to call it, “Just Know That I Hate That About You”. There’s a decent chance nobody agrees, but I’d like to think I’m pretty easy to please and that my requests are always reasonable and practical. With that said, I wholeheartedly admit that I have an opinion on just about anything. Plenty of people are the same way, I see no problems in such a characteristic. I know what I like, that’s a good thing if you ask me. However, there are a TON of things I don’t like, and I will not hesitate to ever call them out, as most of you already know. It could be too your face, it could be behind your back, or it could be on the blog or Twitter for the world to hear. My disapproval will be known by others on just about anything. I like a lot of things, I LOVE a lot of things. I also hate just as many things probably. Things things that I hate, and there things that people do that I hate. I don’t really hate any specific people, except Pink and Jim Rome, but there are without a doubt types of people I have a strong burning hatred for. If you fall into the given category, know that I do not necessarily hate you. I simply hate this one thing about you. Nothing is in any order because it’s just too difficult. Here are a few highlights from the first 2 batches:
People who show up late to a game and ask you to get out of their seat
People who hold their nose when they jump in the pool
People who clap after a movie/flight
People who dress up their pets
People who use umbrellas in the sun
People who leave shopping carts in the parking lot
People who refer to the Remote Control as a “Clicker”
Andddddd the new batch, part 3.
People who think they have the craziest family
“I seriously have the craziest family omg can’t take them!” This should be quite humbling for many, as more people do this than you would think. Everyone hates certain things about their family. EVERYBODY has someone in their extended family that they’re confident was raised by wild animals or extra terrestrials. When you have family parties, weird shit is gonna happen. You’re gonna question whether or not you belong with your family. It does not mean you have “the craziest family”. If you believe you do, just know that I hate that about you.
People who claim to have insomnia
You don’t have insomnia. Your problem Is that you’re on the computer telling everyone that you have insomnia (even though they’re all asleep like normal people). Here’s some advice, turn your computer off, turn your tv off, turn your lights off, get off your phone and lay down and close your eyes. It may seem kinda unorthodox, but this has worked wonders for me for years. I know what you’re thinking. “It’s late at night and you’re saying if I turn my tv and lights off and put my phone down and close my eyes I will eventually fall asleep?” Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Unless you have been clinically diagnosed with the aforementioned, if you claim to have insomnia, just know that I hate that about you. You’re also a liar because you don’t actually have insomnia. I also hate that you’re a liar.
People who walk with one crutch/walk with their crutches
Some of the most obnoxious people on planet earth. I’m no doctor, and I’ve thankfully never had to use crutches because of my incredible natural poise/balance, but I’m pretty sure I know how to use crutches the right way. Using one crutch looks absolutely ridiculous. And I’m hard pressed to believe the one crutch is actually making much of an impact. You’re still using that bad foot/ankle. Seems counterproductive, but hey, I’m no doctor. Why not use 2 and stay off it completely? Considering that is the best way to, you know, get better. If you’re walking on both legs using 2 crutches, how can you expect to get my sympathy? You’re WALKING. Leave the crutches at home, and then take a lap. If you’re walking on both legs using 2 crutches, or using one crutch, just know that you’re dumb and I hate that about you.
People who cover their nose as soon as they hear a fart
It doesn’t matter how loud or quiet it is, right away hand to nose. Doesn’t matter if it’s gonna smell or not, right away hand to nose. Grow up. Until it gets to the point where you can’t take it anymore, you gotta bask in it. And they put their shirt collar over their nose and don’t use their hands. They’re like children, who are afraid to get anything up their nose. They must socialize with the ‘hold my nose when I jump in the pool’ losers. If you’re a little bitch who covers there nose for every fart, just know that I hate that about you
People who wear Skeletoes
I want nothing to do with you people. I wonder if they enjoy being social outcasts. Not only do I hate that you wear these ridiculous things on your feet, know that I also hate you as an individual.
Very naïve people, similar to those who drink diet soda because they believe it’s healthier than regular soda. Pizza is pizza, it’s in it’s own food group. It’s not about being healthy or not healthy, it’s a slice of pizza. It’s delicious and perfect the way it is. Stop trying to “de-grease” your pizza and in doing so deliver a nice swift kick to the balls to America…and Italy. Embrace the grease, eat the pizza. If I catch you blotting the grease on your pizza with a napkin, I will call you out for it, think less of you as a person, and just know that I hate this about you.
People who press the cross walk button
Those buttons do not work, plain and simple. They never have and they never will. There’s a difference between people like this and people like me. We arrive to the same corner at the same time. They press the button (and wait as long as they would have if they didn’t press the button because it doesn’t work). While they’re waiting, I’m planning my next move, looking for the fastest way across the street. If that means walking down another street where there’s open space, or even waiting for the red light LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE (Crosswalk Button Pusher Guy included), so be it. At least I’m not the one pressing the button, only having to wait there like everyone else with my dick in my hand. Get out of my face with that. If you press that broken button because you think the light is gonna change faster during rush hour traffic, just know that I hate that about you.
People who won’t spell fuck (fck)
Examples: fck, fvck, f*ck, fak, fuk. Most likely the same people who have their Twitter set to Private so “potential employers can’t find them”. Grow up for me, one time. Everyone knows what you’re saying anyway. Nobody is gonna TELL ON YOU. The Twitter police aren’t going to suspend your account. Until I hear a good reason why someone will write fck instead of fuck, I refuse to listen to any of your opinions, and just know that I hate that about you.
People who have stick figure families on their car/bumper sticker collectors
There’s a special place in hell for people like this. There’s no reason for someone who’s on their way to work to know that you have a husband, 3 kids, and a dog named Skippy based on the STICK FIGURE PEOPLE STICKERS you have on your back window. Nobody cares that you’ve been to the outer banks (OBX) and long beach island (LBI). This shouldn’t even bother me, but it does. I’m not at all associated with these strangers, yet I’m angry at them. This should have no effect on me, but it does, and just know that I hate that about you.
People who carry Purell with them at all times
I just wrote about this not 1 week ago. Purell is disgusting. That smell is so potent and unforgivable. If you make the conscious (and also psychopathic) decision to carry around Purell with you all the time, I’m gonna assume you’re a germaphobe and a weirdo. If you like using Purell enough to have it on you at all times, just know that I hate that about you.
If you’re any of these people, just stay away from me.