The Most Ridiculous Things People Have Put On A Résumé

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DUMB, ITALICS ARE FROM THE ARTICLE.
BOLD WORDS ARE MY OWN THOUGHTS/COMMENTS.

 

EliteDaily: Being creative in order to stand out on your résumé can be a good thing; however, if you decide to be too outrageous, you may soon find yourself on this list. Since 1966, staffing firm Robert Half International has been publishing the most ridiculous things it’s witnessed on applicants’ résumés, applications and cover letters. These bloopers, called ”Resumania,” are published in the company’s newsletters and the firm still collects them today.

“Many things about job searching have changed over the years, but the goal of the résumé has remained constant, and that’s to help you secure an interview. Content that raises red flags or is simply irrelevant to the job can knock you out of the running quickly.” – Paul McDonald, senior executive director at Robert Half

I don’t have all that many issues with these to be completely honest. Taking a step back, most jobs get dozens if not hundreds of applications every single day, with the high majority of them being exactly the same for the most part. You need to do something to stand out, whether that means physically walking in a business with résumé in hand, sending a personal email to someone within the company, or speaking to someone on the phone who may be of assistance. Trust me. I’ve sent out my résumé to hundreds of companies, with very little success rate. Sometimes you get a bite, other times you need to make your own luck. That’s what these guys did.

Below are the most ridiculous things people have put on their résumés this year:

HEADLINE: “Only accountants can save the world through peace, goodwill and reconciliations.” Great headline. Reconciliations are the reason I am already planning retirement. The right person who has the due diligence and persistence to reconcile sales may as well be a super hero who saves lives too. Soooo yeah.

OBJECTIVES: “To find an office where I can enjoy great coffee, snacks, conversation and humor. This helps my productivity immensely.” Very reasonable requests. I mean you don’t want an unproductive employee. The least you can do is keep the kitchen stocked.

DUTIES: “entertain co-workers with wit and ability to eat large quantities of Siracha.” If there’s no fun in the work environment, might as well pack it up now. Wit is a necessity for any good, good-vibe-bringing employee. And that Sriracha thing is pretty impressive.

EXPERIENCE: “2008-2011 – Self-employed – Illegal drug sales.” Illegal drug sales basically means you’re an entrepreneur and a marketing expert; advanced sales experience.

EXPERIENCE: “I am a Jedi Master of software development.” So this employer dislikes and turns a cold shoulder to confidence, fair enough.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: “Donated over three gallons of blood in my lifetime.” I’ll decipher that…Giving, cares about others, does good for the community. Yeah plenty of reason to hate those qualities.

HOBBIES: “Hanging out with friends, watching old movies, online shopping at work.” Okay I’m with the bossman here. Probably not this guy’s strong points. 

HOBBIES: “Watching Food Network, playing softball and sketching SpiderMan.” aka Has good taste/likes nice things, has personal life/won’t become a depressed workaholic

OBJECTIVE: “To become a billionaire.” I don’t see the issue here. Money talks, man.

OBJECTIVE: “To be able to wear feathers to work. Appropriately, of course.” Key word is ‘appropriately’. So they’re not gonna disobey company policies and standards. Yeah what a shitty candidate.

QUALIFICATIONS: “I have incredibly entertaining hair.” You have 2 equal candidates on every level. One has good hair, one has bad hair. No brainer.

EXPERIENCE: “Plenty.” Confident and proud. Gotta leave them wanting more, in this case more information.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: “My last client called me a god, so that was award enough.” My boss at Chipotle told me I made the best guac he’s ever had. That has impressed every person I’ve told since then, including many employers. 

Robert Half also asked creative and marketing executives about the most unusual ways people have tried to get a job. Below were the responses:

“We got a shoe in the mail with all of the candidate’s qualifications written on it. It said he wanted to get his foot in the door with us.” You gotta stand out. This is just creative. I’d hire the shit outta this person.

“We got a cutout of a hand in an envelope with the applicant’s résumé and cover letter. The letter said he wanted to offer us a ‘helping hand.’”

“I was in a multistory building and a woman put her name and number on a kite with the words ‘call me!’ The kite blew towards the CEO’s office – he called her for an interview.”

The kite and the helping hand are cute. But here’s how to get the CEOs attention. Find out where he lives, light a bag of dog shit on fire on their porch, and put a note on their doorstep saying “Sorry about that, had to get your attention somehow. Free for a brief interview next week?” Unless they hate jokes and have no sense of humor, you’re golden.

Add this to the top of your résumé for Accomplishment: “Former youngest person in the world. It’s true and confusing and intriguing.”

 

I should put Chipotle Guac Maker on my résumé right? I mean that’s a BIG thing for most people. Definite conversation starter.

 

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