SuperCompressor: Remember those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pizza throwers when you were a kid? The good people at Pizza Hut just commissioned a build of the real deal: an actual truck designed to drive at highway speeds and shoot pizzas at hungry onlookers. Obviously, there’re no front window, so the pizza thrower is about as legal to drive down the street as a top fuel dragster (read: it isn’t). But if someone had a closed road and balls of steel, it can conceivably hit 75 mph. The important vital stats? It’ll throw pizzas at 20 feet per second (that’s about 15 mph) while driving at 15 mph, and they’ll go about 30 feet, which is considerably further than your average delivery guy can toss a pie.
This thing’s actually based on a Toyota Tacoma, uses manhole covers for hubcaps, and weighs two tons. At 12 feet high, it barely clears low bridges. Yet none of that matters, because the whole top half actually moves like a tank turret, operated by a motor taken from an electric wheelchair. Once aimed towards the crowd, it uses a large plunger that’s pneumatically operated to shove the pizza out.
Your childhood? Yeah. It’s complete.
It’s about time. Pizza Hut has forever changed the pizza game, a tough one to crack. The barriers to entry for the pizza industry are overwhelming to say the least, but Pizza Hut is already in the inner circle; and now they’ve reached the apex. Once you’re in, mobility is endless, possibilities are boundless. No more finite ground rules for anyone in the pizza industry, oh no. They are going to be launching pizzas out of a moving vehicle. Take a minute to try to fathom what that looks like. Now picture yourself on the receiving end of a vehicle-launched pizza toss. Magical.
Not only are the providing a new, innovative service to pizza eaters, but Pizza Hut is also providing a service to society as a whole. They are making the world a happier place. The more pizza in the world, the more smiles in the world. Girls cry about wanting pizza every day. Say goodbye to those complaints.
Imagine an ice cream truck strolling down your block whipping chipwiches at everyone. Except this is basically in tank form, and it’s dishing out full pizzas. And it’s also a chance to bring a childhood dream to life. It’s not even a little bit safe, and I coincidentally have no issues with this. Are the pizzas in boxes? That can’t be safe. But how will I catch an entire pizza? How is the cheese gonna stay on the pizza if it’s flying through the air?! So many questions that need answering. Also, will they play the TMNT theme song? They kinda have to.
I have 2 minor improvements Pizza Hut can make. 1) Figure out a way to make it safe enough to drive on main roads/highways and literally deliver pizzas to cars whilst moving. 2) Partner with other food industry king pins so these diesel tanks shoot more than pizzas to pedestrians (Example: Applebee’s (boneless wings, they can shoot them out of a tshirt gun-like thing), Krispy Kreme). Just saying.