The Internet and the Twitterverse erupted today for Harry Potter’s birthday. HARRY GODDAMN POTTER. A made up, fictional, fantasy world WIZARD. Real life, breathing, human beings took their emotions to social media today to wish the happiest of birthdays to a freaking movie character. I like the Harry Potter movies as much as the next guy, but I have a hard time comprehending the thought process that goes into publicly wishing a Happy Birthday to a person that DOES NOT EXIST. But I’m not here to bash the delusional Harry Potter fans. I am here in defense of Harry. Poor Harry Potter is a victim of the biggest shafting of all time. Nobody has ever been ripped off, since the beginning of time, like young Harry Potter.
Let’s go back to the end of Harry’s first year at Hogwarts, his first year as a promising wizard in Gryffindor. If you remember correctly, he stopped Professor Quirrell from stealing the coveted Sorcerer’s Stone. And how was he repaid for his efforts? Gryffindor was awarded 60 points. Sixty points. HARRY POTTER STOPPED PROFESSOR QUIRRELL AND LORD VOLDEMORT FROM STEALING THE SORCERER’S STONE, PRESERVING LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IN THE WIZARDING WORLD, AND HE WAS COMPENSATED WITH SIXTY FUCKING POINTS. There are some sick people in this world. But there are some SICK people in Harry’s world. I took Dumbledore’s murder as hard as anyone, but he really should have been put to death after his actions here. The Ministry of Defense or the Board of Governor’s or the Cabinet or the Booster Club should have impeached that bearded bastard right away. There is no way he should have gotten away with those SHENANIGANS. Harry was given 60 points for “pure nerve and outstanding courage”. WHAT? That’s all well and good, but then he’s entitled to about 1 billion points for defending the stone and sustaining life at Hogwarts. Ron Weasley coaches a chess victory and gets fifty points. Harry Potter virtually saves the world and gets sixty points. Seems appropriate. Yeah, happy fucking birthday Harry, here’s 50 points.
By the way… khakis and a wool sweater? Really, Harry? You’re going into battle and you decided on khakis and a sweater? You can’t tell me a bright wizard can’t whip up something with a little more mobility. Khakis are probably the least comfortable pants to wear. Makes me feel like I’m having a heatstroke when I walk up the stairs in khakis. Dude, you gotta be agile and ready to go. Slip on some Under Armour and you can basically out run Voldemort. Dummy. I’d dock him 52 points for negligence.