Thrillist: Though there is clearly a lot that people don’t know about Chipotle, what we do know is that it is a regular stop for tons of folks, be they college students, office workers, or Presidents who refuse to respect the sneeze guard. But did you know that I am basically a trained social scientist who can tell EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU just by your order? Don’t believe me? Well, check this out:
A regular burrito “however you usually make it”
You are one of those people who fills in “Neither Agree nor Disagree” for all the answers on your cable customer feedback surveys.
One barbacoa, one chicken, and one carnitas soft taco, each with a different type of salsa, cheese, and sour cream combination
You won “most friendly” in high school, and said hi to everyone in the hallway, including Rick. You don’t make fun of people with a ton of bumper stickers, even internally, just to yourself. You hated Lebron’s ESPN special “The Decision”, not because of its audacious, lame, and overblown premise, but more just because you felt uncomfortable that he had to choose at all. You don’t get laid a lot using online dating sites.
A carnitas burrito bowl with everything
With you, it’s not about what you’re spending, it’s about what you’re saving. You once bought an owl box for your backyard, just because it was 70% off, and you don’t even have a backyard. You keep a running tally in your head of all the money you’ve ever won/lost gambling, so when you lose $300 at the casino, you can still convince your brain that you’re actually up $80 from four years before. You have trouble getting loans from non-private lenders.
A double-wrapped burrito, any style
When you leave your house, you automatically say “wallet, keys, phone” aloud three times. You don’t like riding public transportation because of people’s gross elbows and bodies and faces. The last impromptu thing you did was buy a Swiffer WetJet.
Just chips and guacamole
You don’t like to be locked into longterm commitments. You’ve moved three times in the past year. You date casually. You own a pre-paid cell phone, which alarms your uncle, now that he finally got around to watching The Wire.
Any type of salad
You’re not real, therefore you don’t exist.
I think a better breakdown would be what kind of person you are depending on how much money you spend there or how many visits to Chipotle you make a month. Pretty basic really, if you don’t like Chipotle, you’re probably someone who doesn’t like puppies or ice cream or a good time. But hey, that’s just my biased opinion. They described the extremes on the menu, most are combinations which I’ve never heard of anyone ever having. I will tell you that there’s literally just no point of going to Chipotle to order a salad. Dumb and absolutely futile. And you gotta be some kinda asshole to get tacos, let’s be real. Tacos and quesadillas at Chipotle are for hipsters and rookies. It’s burritos and burrito bowls. That’s how it’s always been, that’s how it always will be.
Steak is the standard go-to in my opinion. If you order just steak, you’re often cautious and safe in behavior, and don’t mind settling for second best (steak is the second best choice of meat, so my pun is intended). You’re probably quick to hedge bets, and you set extra alarms in the morning. But you have a dark side, something mysterious that confuses but intrigues other people. Steak is the most lavish of the meats, so you like nice things and aren’t afraid to dish out some extra cash to get what you want, contradicting the aforementioned cautious personality, yet supporting the mysterious notion. Just melted your brain didn’t I?
If you order just chicken, you like the classics. Baseball, America, your grandmother, etc. You like simple but enjoyable things, and you stick to what you know. You probably have good taste in movies too complement your good taste in protein.
If you order Barbacoa or Carnitas, you get a tip of the cap from me considering I rarely stray away from my order. Most people have never even have them, and they are both absolutely delicious, the barbacoa being the spiciest and the carnitas the sweetest. You have some weird tendencies and might still own a walkman. You probably enjoy Big Red gum, which relates back to the weird tendencies because nobody likes Big Red gum.
Sofritas, the tofu/vegetarian option, as just as ineffective as ordering a salad. I hisonestly think you’re better off just getting a quesadilla with vegetables or just rice and beans as the base (no meat). Tofu is a slap in the face. There are designated places for people who prefer sofritas, like farmer’s markets.
If you’re too cheap to shell out $2.10 for guac, plus/minus 30 cents depending on location, then you’re too cheap for me. While I can understand that you fear the disappointment in your guac not tasting as good as the guac I used to make (for those who don’t know, I used to make the guac at Chipotle), the guac is still superior to all other guacs and renders a great addition to any and all menu options. If you can’t go a little above effort for the guac, I can’t go a little above effort for you, so think about that next time your skepticism stands in between you and the guacamole.
Andddd to top it all off, if you frequent Moe’s and/or Qdoba more than Chipotle, you are a person I don’t want to be friends with or just be around in general.