Doughnut-Wielding Vandals Terrorize Neighborhood

HuffPo: There’s mischief afoot in one suburban Portland neighborhood, but police say it doesn’t involve the typical spray paint or broken windows. No, we’re talking pastry here — maple bars smeared on cars, doughnuts left atop windshield wipers, pastries littering a yard.

One woman told officers she’s seen more than a dozen incidents of food smeared on cars. Not just pastry, but yogurt, cakes and eggs. She alerted police July 11. The next day, another woman told police her vehicle had been hit six times — twice with a maple bar, once with a cinnamon doughnut, once with pink yogurt, once with “bread soaked in a white slimy liquid” and once with red potato salad.

The crime wave in a northeast Hillsboro neighborhood has been going on for six weeks, The Oregonian reported Monday. Police think the victims of the night-time vandalism are chosen at random and kids are likely behind it. Lt. Mike Rouches says officers are investigating and extra patrols have been added. Still, he adds, “In my 25 years in police services, I have never investigated or seen a criminal mischief involving pastries.”


Doughnut-Wielding Vandals Terrorize Neighborhood! Stop the press! What a headline.

Kind of ironic isn’t it? Besides a ticket, a donut is the last thing you’d want to see on your car. But this donut kind of donut is a little easier to deal with I’d say. It’s nice to see that there’s still organized, innovative crime out there. Spray painting walls and robbing banks couldn’t be anymore old hat. Similar to how entrepreneurs are finding new ways to make money and new markets to dive into, criminals and vandals are playing the exact same game. Instead of trying to knock the king off the throne and one-up the biggest and the best, find creative, alternative solutions. You don’t see people competing with the Google’s and the Apple’s because their efforts would be trivial pursuit. It’s more beneficial and a lot more enjoyable to come up with something. Why spray paint someone’s car when you can squeeze jelly donuts all over the windshield? You wouldn’t because it’s not fun. Donuts are fun, pastries are fun, and I don’t know what a maple bar is but it sounds fun and also delicious. As a dessert connoisseur, it seems to be waste of perfectly good donuts, but I can’t knock the hustle. Hillsboro, Oregon should be taking the proper precautions to avoid donut shortage, but I digress.

I’ll tell you why it can’t be kids behind this plot. Because kids don’t know what red potato salad is. I don’t even know what it is or where I could find one. These attacks are from the brain of a monster, a true mastermind.

Can you imagine the meetings at the police stations? Before the night shifts. “Alright people, keep your eyes peeled for any suspicious activity. Head on a swivel and radio in ANY sweet treat-related mischief. Arrest any teenagers at Dunkin donuts and use force as necessary if you catch wind of anyone soaking bread in white slimy liquids! The madness stops tonight!” Hilarious.

I love that first line, “There’s mischief afoot”. And great insight from the lieutenant with that ending quote.

 

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