Don’t Listen To Your Doctor, They Are Not Your Friend

I treat the doctor the same way I treat the dentist. I hate going to see them. I postpone appointments more than anyone. I literally go like 2 years in between appointments, and after today I don’t plan on seeing doc for at least another five. I know my teeth are fine because I brush them and they aren’t falling out. I know I’m not sick because my immune system is like Fort Knox. But when you do have to go for a “well visit” (dumbest name ever), pay no mind to what they have to say. Standard procedure calls for weight check, height check, and blood pressure check. My blood pressure was perfect today, like always. In fact, before she told me what it was I said to the nurse “Perfect. I know.” She nodded in approval. No harm done.

Weight. I told her what it should be, but the scale does not budge. She tells me I’m like 7 lbs heavier than I actually am. I told her she was wrong because I have my own scale and I trust my scale more than hers. Thousands of people use that scale, it’s worn out, and that’s clear as day. “Well, Eric, maybe your scale doesn’t work correctly.” I got it at Target, it works just fine thanks. Height. She sarcastically asks for my prediction. I tell her 5’8 1/2″ but I am expecting to hear something lower than that due to inevitable mismeasuring. (I just created a word by the way, mismeasure. Someone call Webster.) She tells me 5’7 1/4″. I laughed. She laughed. We laughed for different reasons. Then I told her she was wrong, and her laughs stopped. There’s only one official recording of your height, and that’s on your driver’s license. So according to the State of New Jersey, I’m 5’9″. Nurses and doctors can’t disprove that one.

Then I go to my solitary confinement room. Female doc walks in (there’s “no male doctors in the office today” which is alarmingly unprofessional). First thing she says is “Eric, looks like you’ve gained some weight this year. That’s something I would definitely consider monitoring, something to keep an eye on”. Thanks doc for the confidence boost. Nurse already cut me down to the knees, and now she comes in and delivers a crushing blow to the face. Total defeat. Then she says I’m “due for a shot”. I’m due for a shot every time I go there, they’re just full of nonsense. Crazytown. Does anyone even like going to the doctor? No.

And don’t even get me started on the lecture I got on testicles. Mine are fine by the way.


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