The Real Spelling Bee Champion

You can tell right away that some people are destined for greatness. Jacob Williamson is a prime example. The kid has already made headline news from his antics at the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I’ve never seen anyone have such pure, genuine joy for something in my whole life. And this kid is spelling words. The Spelling Bee is always fun to watch because A) it solidifies how much of a dumbass everyone is compared to these little weirdos B) they’re so socially awkward that everything they say and do is pretty funny. You can tell the sportsmanship amongst the contestants is totally phony and just for TV. No shot the high fives they’re dishing out are sincere. The National Spelling Bee is as cutthroat as any competition out there. They’re just hiding behind masks that are appropriate for the public eye. Can’t fool me!

Here’s what really sets Jacob apart from everyone else. Most of those kids don’t even wanna be there. They are just smart kids with crazy strict parents who beat them when they don’t spell words right. I guarantee those kids are already suicidal and they’re still in middle school. Not Jacob. Jacob loves spelling. He wants to be there, and he wants to win. And while he may not have been crowned champion, he won over the hearts of Americans all over. And you know what? I’m pretty sure he got that last word right. If Jacob Williamson says “he knows it, he knows it, he totally knows it”, then guess what? He knows it. What gives that guy the right to hit the bell on Big Jake? What the hell does he know? What is his problem? Personal vendetta against Jacob? He was eliminated on a technicality if you ask me. If that’s how he spells kabaragoya, then that’s how it’s spelled, plain and simple. Just wait until this kid gets back to school. He’s gonna be waist deep in pussy. Nobody cares that you may be socially inept when you can spell the shit out of big words while also just being the man. Nobody cares that you came in 7th in the national spelling bee when you’re a national icon. Jacob’s got us all right where he wants us. To be honest it’s a good thing he didn’t go all the way. If he would have tied those 2 nerds for a 3-way joint title, he would have stolen the spotlight from them. That’s not what Jacob’s about.

PS- Hearing the “ding” from that bell at that moment crushed me. Brought me close to tears.


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