If we’re gonna keep doing this thing, there are some things you need to know about me. I do a lot of making fun of other people for my own enjoyment, and since nobody wants to take the time to exploit some of my insecurities, I will ruin the fun for everyone and do it myself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, nobody else is going to. I have skeletons in my closet that need to be aired out for discussion. My secrets can be secretive no more. These are some deep deep secrets that I’m pretty sure I have never told anyone. These are things I had no intention of revealing to anyone, but it’s only fair considering how many people have been subjects of my jokes.
I have no idea how to use Netflix.
I’ve never really had a need for it, but I also find other ways to watch shows partially because I have no idea how to use it. As far as I know I can use Netflix with a playstation. Everyone talks about Netflix all the time and I rarely chime into the conversations in fear that they might ask me a question about it, and that is dead serious. I just don’t get it.
I don’t taste any difference in different milks.
I’m pretty sure they all taste the same. I also am lactose intolerant so I’ve been drinking the same milk for the past like 7 years. But I still drink a sip of milk once in a while. When people say they prefer 2% to whole milk or that skim milk is gross I think they’re all insane. Milk is milk. And you wanna hear the most insane part? When I get iced coffee at Dunkin I will only drink it with skim milk and no other milk. What is wrong with me?
I don’t know how to play Super Smash Bros.
Never owned the game growing up. Never made an effort to get it or to learn because I was already a step behind. And once I got to middle school, N64 wasn’t really a thing anymore so I thought I escaped it. But everyone in college loves playing Super Smash Bros. I always say I don’t want to play. Which is true, I don’t want to, because I don’t know how to. I know Falcon does a Falcon Punch and there’s a guy named Link and that is about it. I’ve always been more of a Mario Kart or Mario Party or anything else Mario. I have never told anyone this before.
I hate Gushers and I don’t like Lucky Charms.
I’m sorry but it’s just how I feel. Gushers are disgusting, plain and simple. The only good thing about Gushers are their old commercials where the dude would eat a watermelon Gusher and his mouth turned into a watermelon. Great advertising, poor product. I don’t hate Lucky Charms but I will not eat them. It’s hard to hate a cereal. But the Lucky Charms marshmallows are so overrated. They taste like cardboard. Last time I checked marshmallows are supposed to be soft. Not even a little bit magically delicious. I know this opinion is not all that popular amongst my peers, but it’s something I needed to tell you.
I’ve never gone through the bank drive-thru.
Mainly because I don’t know how it works and I’m kinda afraid to go there and freeze up in the moment, press the wrong button when there’s no bank teller to help me, and somehow lose all my money. Anddddd it’s gone, next customer please.
I never used AIM, strictly AOL.
This one is weird. I liked having the profiles and away messages and custom sounds and even the mail and the news headlines which I never read. I think once I fell too deep into the AOL world, I was afraid to leave. I also remember finally stepping up and downloading AIM Triton which gave my computer all kinds of viruses and problems. Everyone was AIM, I was AOL.
I used to buy my iTunes music.
And by that I mean I only bought songs. I wouldn’t download anything for free. I had a lot of iTunes gift cards, but I spent my money to buy more cards to avoid downloading music. Limewire? No. Bearshare? No. Both gave me viruses so I stuck to legally buying songs off of iTunes like a loser. A small part of me was afraid of the FBI coming to my door and arresting me for pirating illegal music.
I don’t know how to make a Snapchat story.
Not that big of a deal considering I don’t watch anyone else’s, but I just don’t know how to do it. I know you press for a picture, press and hold for a video, and that’s about it. To be honest, deep down I think I don’t watch other people’s because it doesn’t seem appropriate since I don’t even know how to make one.
I’ve never seen The Matrix or any of the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings movies, and I don’t like any of the Men in Black or Back to the Future movies.
Every time these come up in conversations, I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. If I can’t participate, nobody can. I want to see Lord of the Rings, just don’t have the time. Star Wars is just not important to me, never has been never will be. Men In Black just doesn’t do it for me. The first one is alright, won’t even entertain the others. Back to the Future, also first one is okay. If they’re on TV, I’m scrolling right past them. I’d like to think my opinion on movies are pretty well-respected, and my credibility should be of value, but I know these opinions will not be too popular.
My middle name is Morgan.
There, I said it. I’ve exerted so much energy not telling people my middle name, it just seems easier to have it out in the open. Now leave me alone.
Consider this Confessions edition 1. I hope we can all still be friends. It’s no secret that TheEricHammer.com has gotten a lot of positive feedback. I even got my father’s blessing to not pursue a career as long as this thing takes off. Everyday people are telling me how much they love it. In fact, I’ve been contacted by a small advertising company who wants to buy some ad space. But I can’t do so until I get a more constant stream of viewers but more importantly MORE SUBSCRIBERS/FOLLOWERS. Literally all you have to do is click the ‘Follow’ button at the top of the screen. Get to work, my peasants.