Ladies And Gentlemen, Matt F

I live with this kid who has made me question so many things. When we signed the lease to live together, we weren’t the best of friends, we knew each other from Manalapan through common friends and hung out with a similar crew at Rutgers. I now have the privilege of saying Matt Fishman is a good friend of mine. And in the journey they call “friendship” you learn a lot about each other. He most likely learned what a delight I am to be around. I, however, learned some weirdddd shit about Matthew.


1. He is a many of many nicknames. From an outsider’s perspective, he can be ID’d as Matt Fishman, but he is also known as Fish, Matt Adams, Matty (according to him), and my personal favorite Matt F (he once told me “In front of girls, don’t call me Fish, call me Matt F”).
2. HE DOESN’T WEAR DEODORANT. He says that when he’s not going out or doing anything special he “doesn’t need to wear deodorant” because he “doesn’t sweat”. Bro that’s the first thing you do after you shower. Deodorant on, clothes on. That’s day 1 stuff, Matt. Can’t justify this one, pal, that shit is weird and unsanitary. He has to know that’s weird and just tries to maintain the “unique individual, I’m a leader not a follower” persona.
3. A few months back we were eating airheads and Matt F never knew you could shake the airhead to make it shorter and fatter on one side. Are you kidding? Bro have you ever eaten candy? I suppose you gotta feel bad for someone who was completely deprived of a childhood.
4. Still has iOS5 and refuses to update his phone. Not to mention that you literally can’t read text messages because his front screen is so shattered. He once called me and asked me to download an app on my phone for him because his phone wouldn’t let him download without the update.
5. Thinks he looks like Hardwell. Not sure if he actually believes it or if he just claims other people say that. Either way, he doesn’t.
6. Matt F is a huge fan of wearing socks with with sperrys (medium height, white socks). He doesn’t leave the house like that, but it’s a weird thing to do. You gotta see it in action. About 75% of the day, he walks around the house with a shirt on, boxers, shoes (and maybe socks) on. Picture that because it’s weird. Boxers and shoes? Weird as hell.
7. Firm believer of the “one up” rule on the subject of burgers. He orders a medium rare burger but actually wants medium because he assumes that by ordering a medium rare burger, he will automatically receive a medium burger. He just expects people to fail? The kid walks around with the mentality that everyone is gonna let him down. That’s just unhealthy living.
8. He doesn’t think Denzel Washington is a good actor. He says he plays the same role in every movie and doesn’t think it’s anything special.
9. On Tuesday, November 12 at 12:49am, Matt F said, “If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, I’d go gay for Justin Bieber”. Good quote.
10. On November 24, he watched Yo Momma on tv for the first time. In fact, he had never even heard of the show until then. Be mindful that the show has been on tv since like 2005.
11. On December 21 at 10:21am, Matt said, “I’ve never clogged a toilet in my life”. It’s just not possible, everyone has clogged a toilet.
12. One of his favorite movies is Titanic. I asked him if he thought that was weird, his justification was, “Well it did win Best Picture…”.
13. Matt F thinks he can walk onto the Rutgers Basketball team because “anyone can walk on”. Like he literally thinks if you want to walk onto the team you’re on the team.
14. January 24, 9:22pm: “You may disagree with me, but I think I could have played Major League Baseball in the 1940s.” You’re absolutely right, Matt F, I do disagree. Matt isn’t much of an athlete, not sure what gives him the right to think he could have played with some of the best ever.
15. February 6, 5:10pm: “Cool Runnings isn’t even popular in America, it’s a Jamaican movie.” Excuse me?
16. He washes his hands every time after shitting or pissing. It doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter if it was the quickest cleanest trip to the bathroom ever, he washes his hands. This has been an area of much debate. I admittedly don’t wash my hands after every trip to the bathroom, especially in my own home. Personally I don’t think it’s always necessary. HE ALSO WIPES HIS ASS WITH ONE SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER. ONE. He takes one square, folds it up, and wipes, straight primal mode. Is that not the most disgusting thing you’ve ever heard? One square of toilet paper? Why not just use your hand? That’s why he always has to wash his hands…because he always has shit on them, like actual shit. And I guess that’s why he never has clogged a toilet in his life. It all makes sense now, unbelievable
17. March 10 at 10:57am: “I can’t blow up balloons, like I don’t know how.” lol
18. Matt doesn’t say sherbert, he says sorbet (pronounced sore-bay). What an idiot.
19. March 17 at 11:34am: “I invented pretzel chips.” This could be my favorite quote of them all. It’s just so absurd that you have to give credit to someone who makes such an outrageous claim. Like this kid truly believes he is the brains behind the pretzel chip. Stop the madness.
20. Spring Break: Matt wasted an entire box of Cheezits; can’t trust someone who undermines the value of one of the world’s greatest snack foods. Matt tried climbing on stage with a dancer and almost got his ass kicked by her and a bouncer. Matt did get on stage and dance during a pool party, as a member of the Rutgers football team.
21. Originally he told me he wipes his ass from the front, meaning he goes underneath the balls to get to the ass. Then he said he’s not sure how he does it. His final decision is that he “switches off”, which has to be even worse than strictly wiping from the front. How do you switch it up? How do you not know how you wipe your ass? Obvious signs of behavior from a deranged man.
22. March 29: we were watching college basketball and Rachel Nichols appears on the screen. Matt says (and I kid you not) “OH MY GOD I want her to put her dick in my mouth!” That is a direct quote that even he will attest to.

To be fair to Matt F, I’m sure if he documented all of the weird/embarrassing things I’ve done or said over the past year, he’d have an incredible list. But he doesn’t. And I do. That’s the difference here. I’ve never seen a more regular looking person look in the mirror so much to check himself out. The kid doesn’t use Facebook or Twitter. On a lighter note, he’s a funny kid, he’s a solid wingman, and he’s a Manalapan Brave above all. But he doesn’t regularly wear deodorant, so his credibility is pretty up in the air, and that’s a nice way of putting things.



4 thoughts on “Ladies And Gentlemen, Matt F

    1. why would you wipe from the front you got some issues man i think you need a life coach or some street smarts o hell just some common sense….gl bro.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s