The Santa Clause: Great Movie, Too Unrealistic

I say this every year because every year it’s just as true. The Santa Clause is one of the best Christmas movies out there. Top 10 for sure, with a strong argument for top 5. Out of all the Santa Claus’s out there, Tim Allen has to be the most random. Can you imagine seeing the guy from Home Improvement, aka Mimi Siku’s father in Jungle 2 Jungle, putting presents under your tree? Love it, need it. This movie is every kid’s dream: Santa falls off your roof, your dad becomes Santa and you go on a joyride all over the world and spend the night in the North Pole. I’ve been waiting for Mike Hammer to take down the big man for years.

But the movie is filled with impossibilities and confusion. There are questions that need answers. Christmas Eve, Scott Calvin burns the turkey and now they have to eat dinner at Denny’s. But Denny’s is SOLD OUT of Eggnog, Chocolate Milk, AND Apple Pie. No way. Too big of a coincidence, not possible. No way. Later on, Tim Allen is sitting on the park bench at Charlie’s soccer game, and there’s a line of kids waiting to tell him what they want for Christmas. We will ignore that fact that he put on like 200 lbs over night. Neil and Charlie’s Mom, in disbelief, walk across the soccer field in the middle of the game. Then, on their way back to the car, they pull Charlie from the game. They are not coaches, nor did they wait for a stoppage of play. They proceed to walk across the field again, stop in the middle for an angry remark towards Tim Allen and continue on like everything is fine. At one point, the ball goes right past them and the referee almost bumps into them. No objections from players, coaches, parents, or the referee. How does that happen? One of most unrealistic scenes in cinematic history.

Christmas Eve. Scott and Charlie go about their night, delivering presents. Keep in mind what time it must be, and how long it takes to do all of these things. When they get to Charlie’s house, Santa gets arrested. He gets brought to the police station, processed, questioned, and thrown in jail. This is all in Chicago, so it has to be the middle of the night, or very late at least if Santa is coming. You would think everyone is asleep at this point. As he gets arrested there are dozens, DOZENS, of people outside watching this. Children, little children. What time is it? Go to sleep. Santa is there so it has to be the middle of the night, 2am at the earliest, but everyone’s awake like it’s 3 in the afternoon, no big deal. Police lights and sirens would be sure to wake up a few neighboring houses, but the numbers don’t add up for me. By the time the E.L.F.S (which is probably the coolest job ever) come to rescue Charlie and break Santa out of jail, there’s only one squad car outside Charlie’s house. So essentially all of the police and neighbors all cleared out and went home, allocating a significant amount of time. They get to the police station where there is one police officer on duty. They take advantage of his heftiness, tie him up, and rip the doors off of Santa’s cell using tinsel to break the hinges. Can’t say this is unrealistic because honestly I’ve never tried it. They go back to Charlie’s house and engage in brief conversation before Santa goes back up the chimney. Charlie’s mom says to Neil “I’ll explain it to you later.” What is she gonna explain? She just found out he was Santa Claus. I don’t get it. Including the commute from the police station, this is another 20 minutes minimum. The cops come back in full force, with a fucking SWAT team, for Santa Clause, apparently known to be heavily armed and really violent. Nonsense. There are dozens of people outside and awake for this police action, more people than before, and this has to be at least 90 minutes later. Who knows what time it is now, I’d say 4am at the earliest. There are 3 elves included in that crowd, but nobody notice their big pointy ears or anything, they just blend like your typical 10 year old who is outside by themselves at 4 in the morning. Everyone clears out again (significant length of time), and Santa comes back after leaving to pick up Charlie.

There is no way Santa had time to deliver all of his presents given this substantial amount of time missed. So the one question I propose to you is How on god’s green earth did Charlie’s mom and Neil just walk across the field like that?! TWICE! That’s 200x more unrealistic than the tinsel breaking the jail cell door and the concept of Santa Claus and the North Pole and everything. Whatever.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

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