The SMASH Sitdown

Despite owning a domain of my own name, I don’t want to come off as selfish. I talk about myself a lot, sure. But I seem to get good feedback, some people are actually genuinely interested in me. But if you’re willing to put up with me, you must put up with my homies. It’s like the whole “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” thing. So I’ve come up with the newest idea. An idea that will put some of my closes friends in the spotlight, spark the inevitable success of this site, and help you get to know these people on a very personal level. Things might get weird so buckle up. Please allow me to introduce a guy who I hated when we first met, who hated me as well. Actually, let him introduce himself…

Brando Ketchup

Full Name: Brandon Steven Anderson
Hometown: Millstone Township, New Jersey
Twitter Handle: @BrandoSMASH

Likes: Working out, raving, athletic clothing, procrastinating, being chill, making fun of dorks, being a boss ass bitch.
Dislikes: People with rolly backpacks, the skin of a banana, body hair, people who are good at vines, the library

Good traits/features: I have great eyes, a cunning personality paired with a ravishing sense of humor. I am very good at raving, being the life of a party, falling asleep on
command, making omelets, and being silly.
Bad traits/features: I have a deep fear of being alone. I also cannot operate power tools really well, just was never my niche.

Embarrassing Fact/Story: I went for a run with two of my friends in high school through a local trail. As we entered the woods I felt an overwhelming feeling in my lower half of my body. I was harboring a massive shit, that was manifesting itself in my lower intestines and it was about to Alien itself out of my body if I didn’t take action. The only thing to do was to squat down and pop lock and drop it. This shit came out of me like a hot steamy Chinese food dinner with all the sauce. If I had to put a name on it it was definitely beef and broccoli, but mostly just beef. It was a dirty one and would requires many wipes. The only problems with this situation was that I had put my shorts down and I accidentally pooped all over my shorts. I don’t mean like I got a little poo on my shorts, I mean the shit was circumvented directly on top of my running shorts. What was I going to do? I had 3 more miles left on this run with my friends, so I did what anyone else would have done. I used my boxers to wipe off as much of the shit as possible and then I put my dirty shorts on an finished my workout. If that wasn’t enough, I lost my shoe in the mud about a mile into the run as well. Like it was completely torn and in the mud. Fuck my life right. I got so frustrated at this point that I called my mom to come and pick me up. She didn’t know why she was picking me up, but as soon as I got into the car, OH SHE KNEW. I told her that I shit my pants by accident and I went into the shower as soon as I got home. God bless those running shorts, they were so shitty.

Guilty Pleasure: I’ve been using the same sock since high school to… ya know clean up after myself. That sock has gotten me out of many “sticky” situations.

Where do you stand on the porkroll/taylor ham controversy?
I’d prefer to not answer this question. Too many people close to me have been hurt with this debate. RIP Drew.

How many times is it acceptable to hit the snooze button?
33. I once snoozed from 6am until 11am. That’s 300 minutes of a glorious snooze.

Orange Juice: Pulp or No pulp?
No pulp. If I wanted to have little pieces of shit in my drink, then I would drink water mixed with shit.

Coke or Pepsi?
Coke. My mom raised me on Coke & I hope to raise mine the same way.

Making the bed: Must-do or waste of time?
Waste of time, don’t got tiiiiiiime for that.

Breakfast for dinner: acceptable or absolutely not?
Yes, what type of question is this.

TheEricHammer’s note: Okay so this was the first time I’ve ever heard that shit story, but I think this was the perfect forum for the world and I to hear it.

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