My 6 Year Old Soccer Class Is Made Up Of Demons

Preface: A few weeks ago my dad called me before work telling me that I have to come in early for work on Sunday for a job I’m not gonna want to do, which I already knew was painting. So I already was put in a bad mood going into work. When I get to work I find out it’s Sams Club Delivery Day, meaning my dad was gonna show up with a truck full of cases of waters, gatorades, sodas, etc. for me to move across the field and try to fit them into the closet that’s entirely too small. But that’s pretty irrelevant to the story. Sure enough my dad shows up at 4:45 so I start unloading the truck until he comes running onto the field “ERIC ERIC! We have no trainer for the 5:00 soccer clinic, you have to run the class.” I replied with a simple yet strong “No.” Long story short, I’ve been running this soccer class for like 5 weeks now.

There are 5 kids in the class, they are six years old, and they don’t listen to me. For the sake of the subjects’ identity safety, their names will be changed. We’ll start off with El Capitan, Big Eddie, my sworn enemy. Granted Eddie is probably the best soccer player based on skill, I still hate him. This kid just refuses to listen to me. I say freeze, he keeps going. I say foot on your ball, he picks it up and punts his ball. I tell him to go get the ball that he just punted, and he kicks someone else’s ball away en route to his ball. Eddie is a bully and a straight up monster. How his parents just sit and watch him attack me psychologically is incredible. Next is Seth. Seth and Eddie have become buddies, which is a huge problem. Imagine Hitler and Bin Laden teamed up. Obviously that’s a different level of evil, but that’s similar to what we have here. Recently, Seth and Eddie decided that they like football more than soccer. So they spend 30-40 minutes of the hour tackling each other and pulling each others clothes. It’s very disruptive. The worst part is Seth’s grandma who just sits on the side and lets her grandson behave like a little asshole. Then we have the twin brother and sister, Scott and Rebecca. For one thing, they have ZERO skill and I’m fairly certain zero interest in soccer. Scott is a nuisance on so many levels. Rebecca cries every time Eddie kicks her ball or just gets in her way. For six years old, she’s very immature. And the two of them won’t shut up about playing their stupid games that make no sense, even after they try explaining it for 20 minutes. And their dad is an asshole too, just walks around giving me and everyone attitude like he’s better than us. Get your kids to follow directions, DAD. Last but not least is Sarah, she’s an absolute sweetheart. VERY good at soccer, great listener, total delight to be around. But week in and week out I go over very simple things with these kids, and they don’t even want to be here. And they won’t listen to me! I go out of my way to play fun games with these kids, for a class I am not even supposed to teach. “I don’t wanna play this game! I’m gonna sit this one out coach. I wanna play this, coach. I wanna do this.” It never ends. Do I enjoy that they call me Coach Eric? Sure. But it doesn’t negate the fact that they are all evil.

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