Nothing Like Spending The Day With Jerry Springer

It’s an absolute must before you die. Go see Jerry Springer live, it’s a ridiculous experience. Besides from easily being the most intelligent group in the room, laughing at the trash on stage with your friends for a few hours makes the trip well worth it. Along with being the most intelligent, we really were unlike every other group of people there for the most part. We all had clean clothes (somewhat), full set of teeth, real hair, sense of humor, and common sense. Jerry Springer is absolutely hilarious by the way. Dropping hints left and right about fucking the girls in the crowd. Someone asked how to get Jerry Beads and he responded with a subtle yet seductive “Oh Uncle Jerry will show you how.” Shameless and relentless game on Jerry’s part. Right off the bat, the first story was about this stripper who couldn’t decided which one of her stripper friends she would spend her 21st birthday with. So in order to decide, the other 2 lovely young ladies had to try to persuade her. One of them (let’s call her Stripper B) liked art so she made herself into a canvass, allowing stripper A to pour paint all over her. Stripper C likes to bake, so she made herself into a cupcake, making stripper A cover her in frosting and sprinkles. Oh and then they all got in the shower to clean off and makeout and stripper A decided to spend the birthday with both of them. Happy Birthday. We saw a fat guy rip off his shirt (sending his buttons all over the stage) and brawl with another fat guy. We saw a girl who cheated on her boyfriend with her stepmother’s girlfriend.

Best story by far was this one girl who had met this guy on Facebook, hung out every other week or so, and were Facebook official. Turns out he was cheating on her and was in a separate 3 month relationship with another girl. The girls fought, I applauded. And then the guy, who was a fucking IDIOT (the dude literally could not speak), confessed to cheating on the 3 month relationship girl with the girl he met in the VIP at the club the week prior. Girl 3 comes out, easily 6’8″. Man. Hands as big as Andre the Giant’s and she had and Adam’s Apple as big as her balls. Wasn’t a complete shocker when it admitted to being born a man. I got to see plenty of respectful women earn their Jerry Beads (if you don’t know what that means, take a hike). I got to see this white girl twerk like I’ve never seen before, not to mention the Marshawn Lynch lookalike girl just do bouncing splits mid stage, that was fun. I got to ask a question at the end, after being encouraged by producers to refer to the girl as “the whore in the black dress”. And I almost got to “take it into the break” with “We’ll be right back with Jerry’s final thought!”

I’ve had some really awesome and amazing moments in my life. But there may not be a bigger adrenaline rush than hearing the “fight-instigation” bell and chanting “JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!” Life changing. Emotional. Blood pumping.


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