David Guetta Apparently Afraid to Dance and Pisses Himself

Coco.fm: At a recent show in Paris the pop star, David Guetta, was forced to flee the stage in embarrassment when at the start of his show he hit the play button on the wrong track. Instead of hearing Guetta’s usual pop-house hits, fans were inadvertently treated to a personal self help CD that had been prescribed to Guetta for treatment of crippling chorophobia – the irrational fear of dancing. Guetta took to Twitter to release the following statement: “To all my fans, I’m sorry that you had to find out that I have been pre-recording sets and not playing live. Please understand that this is not due to lack of talent or laziness but because of this crippling phobia, for which I am seeking professional help, as was heard when I accidentally hit play on my coping CD.” The EDM star claimed that the condition developed in childhood following a dancing accident at a school talent show which left the performer “acutely embarrassed” and a “confirmed bed wetter.” The pop star went on to further say that ordinarily he doesn’t “even look at the crowd. I’ll just twiddle some knobs on the mixing desk thingy. When I do have to look up to the crowd I’ll close my eyes as if enjoying myself, or I’ll let my golden locks dangle in front of my eyes so I don’t see people dancing.”

Can’t be a real article right? Like 100% fiction right? This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Listen, I’m a big David Guetta fan, but this is all news to me, and I cannot stop laughing. So he has a fear of dancing (hilarious, especially considering since he makes music). And he accidentally hit play on his dancing phobia therapy CD, simultaneously admitting to his crowd that it was a prerecorded set. Can you imagine if this alleged “childhood dancing accident” was caught on tape? I’d sell that thing so fast it’s not even funny. I’m not sure if a school talent show can prove that he’s a “bed wetter” so I’m gonna assume fucked up on stage and pissed his pants. Priceless.

What kind of bullshit is that when he says he “doesn’t even look at the crowd”? He just “twiddles some knobs on the mixing deck thingy”. I mean that can’t be a real quote can it? Mixing deck thingy? So, David. You’re one of the most popular DJs in the world. Tell me how you do it? “Well I’m afraid of dancing so I close my eyes and press buttons on my mixing deck thingy and people cheer. It’s a good time.” How cocky is that to refer to your hair as “my golden locks”? Is that allowed? Can you say something like that after thousands of people just found out you’re a big fake? Love it. “Fuck you guys, yeah so what I piss myself when I dance in front of people. I make millions and I have these golden locks. Hop off.”

PS- The back of his shirt in that picture has to say something like “Just a heads up, you’re gonna need new sheets tomorrow when I piss all over your bed!”

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