Pretzel Rankings

They are one of the most under appreciated snacks in the game. They come in all shapes and sizes. They are pretzels. Before I begin, if you don’t like salt on your pretzels, we can all assume you hate freedom and these beloved United States. They’re pretzels, they get salt. Also, a little secret: dip pretzels in onion dip. Apparently not everyone knows about that for some reason. For the sake of this argument, we will eliminate your standard Hot Pretzel, thus taking Auntie Anne’s out of the picture. It’s probably for the best anyway because specifically an Auntie Anne’s pretzel would be #1 on any list anywhere. We’re also not including the pretzel rings and window pretzels you find in Chex Mix. They’re not that good, and they’re just pawns in the Chex Mix game, it’s all about the coveted bagel chips. We’re not gonna talk about the Honey-Wheat Braids because they’re not really pretzels. They’re good and pretty good for you, but a pretzel has salt, no other flavorings. Pretzel crisps, no. Because they basically require cream cheese or hummus or something. I’ve narrowed it down to 7 types of pretzels, and it’s almost disrespectful to pit them against one another. It was not easy to rank them, near impossible, but that’s what I do. I seize opportunities like this and thrive in the face of difficulty while others are all talk and can’t perform in the clutch. Let’s get to it!

*Honorable Mention: (Technically they should be #1, but they’re in their own category) Deformed pretzels. The ones that are misshaped and weird and out of place in the bag. Something went wrong when they were cooked, and I will be forever thankful for deformed pretzels.

7. Snaps

Bottom of the barrel. Last kid picked in gym class, but better than nothing. Like I said, nobody really appreciated pretzels, and they’re so versatile. Snaps are still delicious. I don’t understand the name though.

6. Minis

Nothing special about them. The only reason they’re ahead of Snaps is because they’re actually shaped like pretzels.

5. Rods

The only thing you can dip them into is chocolate, which is getting away from the conversation. It’s a whole different ballgame, completely different conversation. My biggest problem with pretzel rods is I only take one at a time, and I always have to go back for more. I never know how many to take, where as the smaller ones you can just grab a handful.

4. Sticks

Great for dipping in onion dip. (Do you remember the little packages of the long sticks that were really thin? Absolute classic.)

3. Sourdough Hards

They take a long time to eat, which is good for those people who are fans of portion control. They break apart into pieces, which I enjoy because it creates variety in an otherwise predictable box/bag of pretzels.

2. Nuggets

Easily the saltiest, but since we’re talking about pretzels here, that’s what you’re looking for. They’re dip-able and delicious. And they have that little split in the middle creating that weird dry spot. Don’t know why but I get pumped every time the split is a big one.

1. Regular/Thin

I have no idea what they’re actually called, but they’re the quintessential pretzel, the best of the best. You reach into the bag and come out with pretzels hooked on all your fingers. They’re GREAT to dip in onion dip. No better pretzel out there.

Tough tough job putting any of these below another one. Pretzels often go unnoticed, and I don’t like that. If being a pretzel connoisseur is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.


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