You’re a monster if you tie your shoes with Bunny Ears

I can’t believe we have to have this conversation.

I legitimately thought it was a lost art, like VCRs and the once-cherished mid-range jump shot. I stand corrected, and I am in shock. What kind of people do “bunny ears” instead of “loop swoop pull”? Monsters. Animals. Insane people, that’s who. Loop Swoop Pull is as classic and traditional as Apple Pie. It’s mainstream and predictable, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Look at that picture. Where do you go from there? You’re sitting there like a schmuck with 2 “bunny ears”. How in the world does that somehow transform into a knot? It’s just wrong. It’s like masturbating on an airplane. Seems like the right thing to do in the moment, probably feels good, and most likely nobody will know and you’ll go on with your day unscathed. It’s not illegal, it’s just frowned upon. The bunny ears thing should be illegal though. These are the same time of people who prefer Celeste pizza to Ellio’s pizza. These are the same type of people who think ketchup belongs on a hotdog more than mustard (fucking insane). Get out of my face with that. These are the same type of people who drink Pepsi instead of Coke. Ranch instead of blue cheese dressing. You’re all the same, just terrible terrible people. Unamerican and stubborn. I’d rather wear Velcro shoes than to play on Team Bunny Ears.

Side bar: I never tie my shoes. Why? Because when I have to tie my shoes, I loop, I swoop, and then I finish with a pull. And the knot stays tied for a long time. No joke I tie my shoes MAYBE once a month, and that’s assuming things are going terribly wrong.

A Harvard study proves it, Loop Swoop Pull is more effective. They said the bunny ears method is “ineffective and barbaric”. INEFFECTIVE AND BARBARIC. Inappropriate and confusing. This was all said by a physics brainiac, Dr. Arthur Brown Esq. He’s an Esquire! You’re gonna argue that?! You’re on your own. The guy basically said all rabbits do are eat, shit, and fuck. The facts are there. I’m gonna do everything I can to put a stop to the bunny ears method, right after high waisted shorts become completely obsolete. Whoever it was on the Harvard Financial Board who cut off funding for the study because it was “silly and not useful to anyone” is an idiot and a fucking asshole.

PS- I saw on a thread online where some guy said “throughout my early childhood, it seemed to be a logical conclusion that all black people used loop swoop pull and white people did bunny ears”. Best defense I’ve heard so far.


4 thoughts on “You’re a monster if you tie your shoes with Bunny Ears

  1. It’s pretty rude to assume that those people all monsters, by the way we do SHOE LACES. In fact, I see no difference in quality when I tried both. In fact, I found it *kind of* better to wear. Just because it might be harder to do bunny ears doesn’t mean its ineffective; it just means that you are stubborn.

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