High School Memory: Homeroom

Listen to this all-star lineup of a homeroom: Me, Luke Harary, Kelsey Hogan, Joel Hamel, Jenna Halpern, Megan Hatfield, Rob Harris, Hakeem Hampton (if anyone knows where he’s at, please tell me), Ricky “Ricky Ticky Tock” Hutton, Scott “Scotty Gunz” Gunzenberger, and I’ll even throw in the Igor/Ilya Grosman Russian identical twin combo because hey, every homeroom should have a pair of Russian identical twins. There is no better homeroom lineup in the history of homeroom lineups. Honorable mention (no offense, just weren’t in the core): Leighton Harrison, Kevin Grzejka, Frank Gyimesi (who apparently has one testacle), Hisham (nobody knows his last name), Dan Havkins, Ian Hecht (who if I remember correctly almost fought Leighton in homeroom multiple times), Delano “Dee” Horne, Phil Imbriano, Nick “I drive my car to Wawa every night and rev the engine because it’s a nice car” Imperatrice. Brick squad.

First day of high school: Nobody knows who Rob Harris is, but he has crazy designs shaved on the back of his head. Cayman Hildreth comes in with grills. GRILLS. Like Paul Wall grills, in his mouth. What a fucking STATEMENT on the first day of high school. Sure he may have scoliosis, for sure he’s awkward as hell, but you don’t get fucked with if you show up with diamonds in your mouth day one, just doesn’t happen. Freshman year homeroom teacher was Ms Kallman, such a bitch. Chews her gum like a cow, laughs like a real asshole. During the state test days, she literally sat on the vacant desk next to me and did crunches and other various abdominal muscle exercises during our tests. No lie. Sophomore year was Mr. Hoffman, quite possibly the biggest weirdo Manalapan ever hired. Absolute lunatic, bipolar, complained about his midget wife. When those state tests came around, he left the room mid test, came back with his hair slicked back like Fonzi and we all just lost it. By the way, Hoff, I stole your comb like 2 weeks later. Classic moment. Nice guy, but odd.

The last 2 years of high school homeroom were spent with Mrs. Witkowski, another bitch. Everyone else had teachers that would let them come in late, or text someone to say they’ll be there late. Nope, this bitch slammed the door right when the bell rang. This is the woman who gave Luke detention when he walked into homeroom with headphones but no ipod. Little did she know, she had no control over us. Two GREAT memories with her. One, Kelsey Hogan borrowed Joel Hamel’s phone during homeroom for whatever reason, and she got caught. She told her that it wasn’t her phone, it was Joel’s, so to take it away would be unfair and pretty cruel actually. Witkowski don’t buy that shit. Kelsey follows up with “You have no heart” and promptly takes her exit. Looking back now, could be the funniest moment ever. Number two, one of my favorite high school stories. A fight breaks out in the hallway right outside our homeroom, so obviously we all run towards the door. Witkowski gets there first (somehow), blocks the doorway with her wide figure and both hands extended, looks at all of us and says “No.” We’re all thinking, No? No? What do you mean no? Move. There’s one woman, maybe 5’4″, serving as a barrier for like 30 fired up kids aching to see this fight. There was no time to think and negotiate. The back of the pack decides they’ve had enough and pushes forward. Mrs Witkowski ends up on the floor completely trampled. The fight was good too. Actually the fight was between Joey Harris and Tom Lesakowski, and Mr Horton tried to break it up, so Joe Sales tackled him. Joe Sales ends up getting like some award for trying to break up the fight, only Joe Sales.

PS- It was only fitting for Cayman to rock the grills on graduation day too (picture above). The kid literally wore them twice, first and last day. He’s a hidden gem, gotta find that kid.


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