I’m a big Taylor Swift fan, everyone knows that. I love her music and I love looking at her. I also love pistachio nuts; salty, yet delicious. I have decided that Taylor Swift is like a pistachio nut. But a very specific type of pistachio nut. There are 3 types of pistachio nuts: First, your typical shelled nut that can be cracked opened easily and enjoyed very much.
You don’t have any problems with these, and you wish all pistachio nuts could be like these. We’ll compare these to easy girls, sluts as some would say. Anyone can get their nut.
You also have those pistachio nuts that are closed completely. You pick these out of the bag, look at it, and throw it in the empty shell pile because you know without smashing the shell/nut with a hammer, there’s no shot of you getting at it. Not worth anyone’s time or trouble, not even a little bit. These are like the “I am a virgin and I am saving myself for marriage” girls. You’re not getting that nut, and nobody else is either in the near future.
Last but not least, the worst of them all:
This is what I am now and forever calling the “Taylor Swift Pistachio Nut”. You put in extra time and effort to try and crack it. You know it’s possible, but for some reason you cannot do it. You try a bunch of different ways (teeth, different fingers) but cannot seem to succeed. You pass it to your buddy and let him have a go with it. He works on it and works on it and gets nothing. You try and try, but in the end you cannot get your nut. (Pun for sure intended) Remember, the One Direction kid dumped her because she wouldn’t put out for him. There’s a way to get to that pistachio nut, and there’s a way to get into Taylor Swift’s pants. I don’t know how to do either of these, and I’m not sure anyone else does either. But one day, maybe, somebody will get their Taylor Swift nut.
Shape up Taylor. You’re doing something wrong when a loser like Ed Sheeran is first in line for you.